Joy and rapture: It’s Valentine’s Day. Like a milestone birthday and a dentist appointment all wrapped up into one, Valentine’s Day is pretty much the most evil holiday ever to go commercial. We’re not surprised it’s connected to a massacre. Read on for the top 10 reasons we despise everything and anything attached to Cupid!
Men are children
They are unable to handle the “pressure” of Valentine’s Day, and thus resent you for expecting a present, a date, a phone call or actually anything at all.
There’s no pleasing your friends. If your boyfriend gives you a lame gift (i.e. drugstore roses or heart-shaped chocolates), they’ll tease you. If he gives you nothing, they’ll tell you you are in a go-nowhere relationship. And if you get a great gift, clearly he has something to hide!
Raise your hand if you’ve pretended to have a date just to avoid the fate of going out with a bunch of single women and getting trashed in celebration of your “independence”.
Let’s face it: Single or no, this is a really unhealthy holiday. A month after you’ve pledged to lose the Christmas weight, you are faced with excessive chocolate consumption.
The good friend
As if you don’t feel bad enough about having had no one to kiss on New Year’s Eve, now you will have a new opportunity to listen to best friends and loved ones coo about getting engaged while you pretend to be interested — really, you just want a bottle of tequila.
The only thing worse than no date and no presents is when your mom sends you a bouquet of flowers. Do you lie about who it’s from or tell the truth? Try to figure out which is the less sad option.
You may want to hide your phone. Suddenly, checking in with old boyfriends who are now married but couldn’t commit to you may sound like a wise idea.
It’s a lie
Feb. 14 is actually the feast day of Saint Valentine, who is the real reason for the observation. It’s also the anniversary of a bloody massacre! Neither of these occasions necessitate hearts and flowers.
We love a good ballad just as much as everyone else, but the week before Valentine’s Day you are pretty much forced to steer clear of the radio. All you will hear are sappy love songs, which are not good for your psyche when you are already engaging in the mental countdown to hell. The result? Even your commute routine is ruined by this ridiculous holiday.
Take a moment to consider folklore. Cupid was essentially a streaker man-child who used poisoned arrows to create “Eros”. Nowadays, we would call him a frat boy and arrest him for slipping girls roofies. Gross.