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Five stages of relationship grief

Not only did you have a horrible week, you come to find out that your boyfriend just broke up with you. In shock, you scour the Internet desperate to find any kind of information to help you feel better. You come across the 5 stages of grief for mourning the loss of a loved one. That’s exactly what you are looking for. You read each stage (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) and compare them to your own feelings of relationship grief.

1. Denial:

This is the beginning stage where you can’t accept that you are being broken up with. You walk around as if you are in a bad dream. You also wonder if your boyfriend might have been joking with you. You still show up for your weekly date night at the restaurant that you two always met at. Keeping your eye on the door all night, you realize that every person that enters looks like him, but sadly you are mistaken when they end up being a 60 year-old short woman. This stage elevates to a higher level when you get dumped through a phone call, text message or email. It just doesn’t seem right to get a text that says “Sry ur not the 1 4 me’. Symptoms include: possible loss of hearing. Duration of denial stage: 1 week to 1 year or until restraining order is issued.

2. Anger:

Once you get through with denial and acknowledge that someone has broken up with you, anger is next. This is often the ‘getting even’ stage. This is the point where you may create an unknown email address and send an email to his family with pictures of him dressed in your lingerie one night when he was drunk. Going further, you may send it to everyone at his job in an attempt to get him fired. But you soon realize all that’s going to do is get Ted from Accounting to ask him out. Even better. This stage is where you tell yourself that you should have known this loser was going to do this to you. Possible side effects: Developing a nervous tick in your eye.

3. Bargaining:

Moving on from anger you plead with your boyfriend that you’ll make things better if he will stay. You throw out some feelings that you didn’t know you felt; anything to make him stick around. This includes drunk dialing or texting. This stage might also involve a call to the local psychic hotline to see if this can be fixed. Symptoms include: intense groveling and inserting foot in mouth.

4. Depression:

You will begin to feel sorry for yourself and blame the failed relationship on you. A friend calls you up with tickets to your favorite concert but you want to stay at home and cuddle with the only two men in your life that will never desert you; Ben & Jerry. You may wish you hadn’t thrown out all of his toenail clippings and hair left in the sink. Possible craft project: Bearded hair doll.

5. Acceptance:

This is the hardest stage to get to. You don’t want to accept because in order to accept you would need to forgive that lying scumbag, and you definitely aren’t ready to do that anytime soon. To make yourself feel better you remember all the burping, crotch grabbing, farting and boogers that you subjected yourself to during the relationship. When you realize how disgusting he truly was, you will begin to feel better. Recommended: Flirting, and lots of it! According to the U.S. Census figures, 44% of Americans are single. Which means that there are millions of other singles out there for you to meet. Googling “How to get over someone” brings up over 8 millions results. There are tips on dealing with breakup issues to handling your emotions. Take some time to read through the search results; you may see something that will help. Lastly, go out there and meet new people. You will definitely find someone that appreciates you for the person that you are.

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