As a parent, you’ve got a lot on your mind at any given time: there’s a household full of schedules, to-dos and needs to keep track of — and that’s not even counting your own sexual needs or those of your partner. To keep things fun, engaging and sexy as you navigate parenthood is a challenge in itself sometimes and requires you to think about your relationship as a living, breathing thing that will evolve and change — and even then you want to find a way to keep yourself and your partner satisfied whenever you can grab the time.
We turned to reddit to find some of the most useful sex advice from parents on the boards. Here’s their advice for keeping your sex life just as rewarding after you’ve become parents:
Set some healthy boundaries early on.
“They know if the bedroom door is closed to knock before coming in. Basic respect for privacy is a good thing.”
Find creative excuses for the kids.
“My oldest is ten so the kids don’t even know there is such a thing as sex. We usually tell them we need to ‘talk’ and let them play Minecraft. When they ask what’s going on we tell them we are jumping on the bed for fun.
That’s usually met with complaints because they are not allowed to do that to which I tell them that we are because we are adults. When they are old enough they can buy their own bed and jump on it. Sometimes being a dad is easy.”
Or, when they’re old enough, just be straight with them.
“I have an 11 year old and an 18 year old. I told them they could have these cool noise cancelling headphones as long as they used them between the hours of 9pm and 10pm every evening. The 11 year old was confused. The 18 year old laughed and gave me a thumbs up.”
Find your own ways to keep track of your intimacy.
“We’ve been together four years or so, got married a year and a half ago. We kept a penny jar the first year after we got married — every time we have sex we put one in. Now in year two we’re ahead of schedule taking one out each time. It’s a fun way to add a little sense of accomplishment and just keeping track makes us want to do it more. And the more you do it, the more you wanna.”
Be understanding that ‘sex isn’t everything’ and know moods will change for both of you.
“Seventeen years now. Sex was good, and happened about two to three times a week at the beginning, would have been more, but we were working multiple jobs at different hours, and attending school. We (she) went through some medical issues, and were lucky to have sex once a week because of pain issues.
Had a couple kids, which really put the stops on. Through this whole time I always wanted more, she was ok with the infrequency of it all. Often she would complain that I needed to make her want it, and turn me down.
Around two to three years ago, the kids weren’t waking up in the night/etc, didn’t need Mom as much, and all of the sudden it was almost like a switch being flipped. My wife is now the horny teenager again, that she never really was. Sex is almost a nightly occurrence, it is now uncommon that we don’t have sex five to six times a week or more. I just try to keep up with her. I don’t turn her down, because I remember my wanting it more earlier.
If she went back to not wanting it at all, I’d be upset, but the sex isn’t everything.”
If you’ve been together long enough, you can be direct and ‘just ask.’
“Instead of trying to put the moves on each other, it’s now, ‘Hey, wanna fuck later?’
There’s also no trying to butter each other up to try stuff; we just ask. I do miss the innuendo, but she’s vocally happy about the situation, and I’m doing okay by it.”
Communicate and embrace all the sweet ways your relationship can evolve.
”We hit a sort of sweet spot a few years back where we each figured out a few things that send the other one just over the moon. I keep thinking we need to shake things up and stop doing these same things or we’ll get worn into a rut, but I’m sort of addicted to it because it feels so amazing.
There also isn’t too much surprise as to the where and when, either. We get into bed naked, and unless someone is reading or actively doing something else in bed, it’s just game on. I prefer the reliably high of frequency our sex, but do miss the feeling of the tension building up and the tantalizing feeling of not knowing exactly when you’re going to get it.
A couple of times a year we go on vacations that are pretty much just an excuse to go to a really nice hotel when we get a deal. This sort of resets things and sex becomes more varied and spontaneous. In fact, thinking about it now, these vacations are just excuses for sex fests. I am not really sure why this happens only when we go away because we don’t have kids or unforgiving schedules, and aren’t audio exhibitionists. I guess it’s just a leftover from the old days when we lived in separate, shitty little apartments, which is when the tradition started.
So I would say 10/10 for pleasure but 2/10 for spontaneity (up to 7/10 on vacations) and 2/10 for variety.”
“It’s not as frequent but much better. We’re more open about what we want, and as we have small kids, sex is usually preceded by lots of making out and rubbing against each other during stolen moments in the kitchen.
Sex itself is either full-on “we both came home from work early” kink-fests where we’re both covered in bodily fluids by the end of it, or quickies upstairs while the kids are watching TV downstairs; we even installed a hue sensor at the bottom of the stairs, so a warning light will come on in the bedroom if one of the kids decides to go upstairs to see what daddy is helping mommy with.
We’re also more understanding — if she has a not-sexy week for whatever reason (mood, bad period, feeling insecure, etc…) I don’t take it personally. But if she then goes for a shower later that week , I might ask her if I can jerk off on her for temporary release before she hops in the shower. Most of the time she’s fine with that, and it tides me over until she feels better. Same with me, sometimes she’ll ask for quick oral, but doesn’t want to reciprocate at that very moment, and I’m fine with that too.”