While it’s true that sex can absolutely get better with age, we never entirely outgrow those deeply awkward, uncomfortable and bumbling moments in intimacy just because we’ve gained a bit more experience. Add the complications of keeping your sex life exciting, healthy and fun as you grow together, start a family and deal with increasingly busy schedules and there’s plenty of room for more and more cringe to come beyond the awkward firsts.
Digging into the most prolific bastion of cringe and discomfort, Reddit, we found a few deeply uncomfortable sex stories that show just how persistent cringe-y, awkward sex moments can be throughout your lives.
Early morning visitors with questions
“One time the wife and I are getting it on first thing in the morning. We are under the covers, and it’s a good thing, because my three-year-old son snuck into the room. We didn’t even notice until he quickly jumped onto the bed and jumps on my back. He looked over my shoulder at my wife and says ‘What are ya’ll doing?’ Well, that killed the mood real quick.”
Midday visitors with heavy questions
“My husband works out of town. He is gone for two weeks and comes home for a week. He is definitely “ready to go” when he gets home. So the day he comes home we’re having middle of the day sex and he’s doing me doggy style. I have an ample ass so there is that wonderful slapping noise as he’s thrusting. My three-year-old who was down stairs comes up and starts knocking on our bedroom door.
She says ‘what’s going on in there? Mom are you ok? Is Dad hitting you?’ My husband kept going like a champ but I was laughing so hard. Super embarrassing. This is why we usually wait until the kids go to bed. Also my husband does not hit me. I don’t know where that came from in her mind.”
Baffling sex injuries
“He put his hand under my back to lift me up for a position change mid-through and he ended up popping out one of my ribs. To this day it is the worst pain I have ever experienced.”
Heart attacks & fart attacks
“Two stories, both including my wife.
1: I had a heart attack while having sex with my (then girlfriend) wife for the very first time. She thought I finished in her and got extremely mad.
2: years later, she was on top of me while I was on my back and I said something stupid and she started laughing. She started laughing so hard she farted… while I was inside her… which made her laugh even harder and she peed all over me… makes for a funny memory.”
Some anatomy lessons come later than others
“He fingered my bellybutton. I can only assume he thought it was my clit, but how?
Edit: Yeah, yeah, it’s an erogenous zone for some people, but I’m pretty damn sure he thought it was my clit because when he finally touched my actual clit he was surprised. Yes, I communicated. No, he wasn’t even close to finishing me off or close enough to be able to try to.”
A case against grown-up slumber parties
“We were having sex in the dark & I went to get on top but misjudged how close we were to the edge of the bed.
I ended up falling off the bed, dragging him down with me & onto some friends who were sleeping on the floor.”
A version of this story was published February 2020.
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