Let’s face it, sex can be weird. So many random things can come up during the act, from farting to crying, to being stuck in, ummm, compromising positions. The thing is — you are not alone in the weirdness. Unlike porn, when it comes to real sex, you don’t get a ton of retakes until it’s polished and perfect. At some point, something is bound to go off-script. That’s life.
Here are a few excruciatingly true stories of sex gone awry:
Hot & Cold
“My guy and I were making chili for a day of football watching. I was in charge of the beef and tomatoes and he was in charge of the fixings, like grating cheese and cutting up jalapeño. We started feeling pretty randy, and once everything was simmering, we started making out. We were full on naked within minutes and got to it, quickly skipping our usual lead-up stuff. It was particularly hot and passionate sex, and we both came really hard and fast. He had pulled out and cum on my stomach, and as we were in post-hot sex glow, we both started giving each other compliments about how good it was and how good it felt.
‘Wow, that was hot. That felt so different. I’m still tingling,’ he kept saying. As I was basking in his compliments, his face changed and he started stroking his dick saying, ‘No, something is wrong. My dick is on fire.” Quickly, we both realized he had cut up the jalapeños right before we started making out and hadn’t washed his hands. And since we had undressed ourselves and gone straight to banging, his hands never really got near my mouth or vulva. But when he pulled out and stroked himself to completion, he had gotten it all over his dick and inside the tip.
He rushed into the shower and was in pain for over half an hour. We were joking about what we’d tell the ER if it got that extreme. We laughed so hard and call the incident: Jalopenis!” — J., Virginia
“My boyfriend came over to visit because I was home with my back out. I put Biofreeze on my lower back to help ease the pain. By the time he got there, the pain was better, so we fooled around. My brother came to have him help move furniture, and when he stepped outside, the breeze went through his pants and just about sent him through the roof! Biofreeze got on his wanker! I’ve never laughed so hard and my poor brother had no clue what was going on.” — C.F., Atlanta, GA
“One time I gave a Nutella blowjob, but didn’t realize how warm dicks are. So the Nutella just melted as soon as I put it on the dick and there was Nutella everywhere.” — S., New York
“I puked on my boyfriend’s dick while he was on top of me fucking my face. He was so into it, he couldn’t get my cues to stop. It was hilarious and puke got all over my hair, the hotel bed, his cock — and into the shower we went. And then, we started again. Best part? This was the second time during this stay that I had to strip the bed for housekeeping. The first time was for period blood.” — B., Seattle, WA
“I had a lover years ago that was extremely gifted in giving oral pleasure. One day, I was straddling his face when his eyes suddenly opened very wide and he made a weird choking sound. He had accidentally swallowed the piercing I have in the hood of my vagina. When I went back to the piercing shop, I embarrassingly explained what had happened, and my piercer laughed and said it happens all the time!” — L., Florida
Man’s Best Friend
“I was having sex one time, when unbeknownst to me, my girlfriend’s dog jumped on the bed. She started licking my balls. I thought the girlfriend was doing something with her hands somehow, then I realized what was going on. I nearly kept going because it felt so good. But I stopped when I suddenly thought that the little guy might bite and not let go.” — T., Nashville, TN
“I was at my guy’s house. It was the middle of the night. We decide to fool around. He was a Marine. He had a headboard that was made of actual shelves, and on one of the shelves was a Marine Corps bulldog statue. He’s on top, I had finished, and he was about to – pounding away in the pitch dark room. So, the bulldog statue falls off the shelf and hits me about an inch above my eye. I was instantly out of it. Seeing stars. Shaking. He knows none of this. In fact, because I had first gone limp and then started shaking. He thought I had come a second time. Finally, I am able to say stop, and he does immediately. We turn the light on and there is blood everywhere. A concussion and 10 stitches. The doctors loved it. We are married now — and oh, the stone statue broke in half.” — Kate S., Philadelphia, PA
Don’t Skip Leg Day
“A couple of weeks ago my wife and I were having sex. I was standing behind her and despite my best efforts, could not reach orgasm and finally gave up because my quads started hurting. I literally need to do a lower body workout to improve my sex life.” — M, Pennsylvania
“I’m a super shy farter. I know, I know everyone farts. So, one night my boyfriend and I were getting sensual and he was giving me a back massage to increase his odds. Well, he gets down to my butt and I’m all oiled up and relaxed…he smacks my ass, hard, and I let out the loudest fart. I immediately rolled over angrily and said that it hurt, and we never discussed the fart and he felt so bad. It didn’t really hurt, I was just embarrassed.” — C, Montana
“I once queefed so hard while being fingered that I blew [my partner’s] hair back— which he did not laugh at.” — R., New York
Additional reporting from Katherine Speller.