Marriage does not mean that your sex life takes a back seat to bigger responsibilities. It should be prioritized at any stage in a relationship. But if it feels like there’s a lack of desire or you’re getting bored, it may just be a matter of how the two of you are initiating the sex. Just like it’s important to mix it up in the bedroom, it’s also important to change up how you’re communicating that you want to have sex. Here are 10 new ways to initiate sex, that’ll surely kickstart and fire up your marriage.
Schedule a stranger date
Set aside time to meet your spouse someplace in public, then role play as though you’re meeting for a one night stand, suggests August McLaughlin, author of Girl Boner: The Good Girl’s Guide to Sexual Empowerment. “I love the sense of novelty and excitement this can bring, whether you’ve been together for a few years or decades. That sense of newness stimulates the release of those falling-in-love hormones,” McLaughlin tells SheKnows.
Share (or write) an erotic story
“Read an erotic story you find hot aloud to your partner or send it to them by email while you’re apart,” says McLaughlin. “This is a great way to bring light to an activity you’ve been fantasizing about and wish to try. It also plants seeds ahead of time, which is important when you’ve been together for some time. I prefer to see ‘foreplay’ as a lifestyle. When you allow for and nurture sexy connectedness, with yourself and your partner, you’re a lot more likely to feel eager and ready for sex once the time arrives. Invitation for sex can start far before clothes come off or you step foot in the bedroom,” McLaughlin explains.
Send a flirty sext
“If you’re in the mood for sex and want to surprise and invite your partner at the same time, slip into a private place to snap a spicy selfie. Text it to your partner with an inviting message, such as ‘I’m naked in the bedroom. Care to join me?’ This is such a fun and simple way to let your partner know you’re ready for some steam,” McLaughlin tells SheKnows. “If your partner isn’t up for sex at that time, respect their boundaries and wishes. Thank them for caring for themselves in such a way and consider scheduling a time in the future. Scheduling can seem a bit blasé, but it actually builds anticipation, which can work wonders on arousal. And if you’re really hot and bothered, you can always engage in solo play.”
Talk to each other about what it looks like to you
We tend to think that initiating sex is easy and straightforward, but it can definitely be intimidating, says Dr. Emily Morse, intimacy expert for SKYN Condoms and host of the SiriusXM Radio show and podcast Sex with Emily. “If you’re not sure on how to initiate sex with your partner, have a talk with them. Ask them what they think it looks like or how they would like you to initiate sex,” Morse tells SheKnows. “For example, they may want you to start kissing their neck as soon as they come in the door from work. This way, you know exactly what they want. Plus, you get to do the same and tell them what it looks like for you. Communication is lubrication. The more we talk about sex with our partner, the easier it gets.”
Set the mood in your bedroom
Have your bedroom ready before your spouse gets home. “Light some of your favorite candles, play a song that gets you in the mood, and wear something that makes you feel sexy. When you set the atmosphere and engage the senses, not only are you creating the right mood but you’re also making it clear to your partner that you’re ready for action. Make an effort to keep your bedroom a sacred space for sleeping and sex. When we leave technology out of the bedroom, we’re able to create a more sacred space for romance. Because there’s nothing sexy about a pile of laundry in the corner.”
Watch porn together
“Whether your porn habit is a sexy GIF you found online or a full video on a porn site, watching it together can jump-start the conversation about what you enjoy and what you’d like to try,” Kayla Lords, writer and sexpert at JackandJillAdult.com tells SheKnows. You might just have to keep the volume low if you have sleeping kids in the house!
Masturbate for each other
“If you’re not already masturbating on your own, start there,” says Lords. If masturbation is something that you usually do solo, try making it something you do with your partner. “By watching each other (yes, it’s awkward at first), you learn how they touch themselves and what turns them on. This gives you plenty of information to use the next time you’re naked together…and something to talk about,” Lords explains.
Have an XXX date
If your partner is willing, check out your local adult store — chances are it’s way nicer than you may imagine, says adult film star, sex educator and activist, Jessica Drake. “Take a look at all the new pleasure products being offered and see what looks appealing. Take turns picking products out and imagining what you’d like to do with them,” Drake tells SheKnows. “Buy something for each other to wear, or choose a movie or an erotic book together. To focus on foreplay, try flavored lubes from Wicked Sensual — sweetened with Stevia, so they’re also safe for vaginal and anal sex. These amazing flavors like Salted Caramel, Vanilla Bean, Sweet Peach and more will have your mouths watering for each other all over again.”
“If your partner is always the one who initiates the sex, change that up and see how it feels. The element of surprise can increase adrenaline, and that can get us turned on even faster,” says Drake.
Take advantage of all the technology out there
“We really take it for granted, but we have some awesome tools at the touch of our fingers. Maybe it’s even some of the same things you used to flirt or get with them in the first place,” says Drake. “Keep using sexting, pics, facetime, send memes, make an effort to sexually connect.”
So what are you waiting for? Put down that phone and put these tips to the test.