Feast your eyes on the latest offering from Crown Jewels Heritage Condoms, which bills itself as “the world’s pre-eminent supplier of souvenir-grade heirloom prophylactics.”
Aside from handsome deep-blue packaging featuring the engaged royal couple, what makes these condoms so unique? We’re so glad you asked. Not only are “these artisan-style sheaths” specially tailored to a “regal fit” before being carefully “drizzled with lube and packed for freshness,” but they also come in a souvenir case which, when opened, plays an exclusive musical arrangement of “God Save the Queen” and “The Star Spangled Banner.”
What more would you want from a condom? (Aside from, you know, protection from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.)
The condoms are currently available exclusively through the Crown Jewels website and go for £10 (approximately $14 USD), though a press release from the company notes that commemorative condoms from Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge’s wedding back in 2011 are now going for more than £100 (approximately $140 USD) at auction.
“A royal wedding is a celebration of love, just like our luxurious sheaths,” Hugh Pomfret, spokesperson for Crown Jewels Heritage Condoms says in a statement. “We proudly stand with our American cousins to toast the happy couple and say to lovers everywhere; your Prince will come.”
The company also notes that their product has not been approved or used by Harry, Markle, HRH Queen Elizabeth II or any other member of the royal family.
The back of the packaging reads, “Lie back and think of England” — a reference to what Queen Victoria allegedly (but probably did not) say to one of her newly married daughters on how to make it through sex with her husband. It has since become pop-culture shorthand for women having to endure unfulfilling intercourse — something we hope Markle will never have to go through herself.