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How to Ask for What You Want in Bed

Communicating about certain things that are important to us can be difficult — especially if we really care about someone. And talking about our needs and wants when it comes to being intimate is scary — it doesn’t matter if we’ve been in a relationship for five weeks or five years, it can make us feel vulnerable, and so many of us tend to avoid the topic all together and settle for keeping things status quo.

In fact, I’ve talked to many women who find it easier just to let something happen to their bodies they aren’t OK with or that doesn’t feel great instead of bringing it up and having a discussion about it because it feels too intimidating.

But the truth is, we all have fantasies and desires whether we are vocal about them or not.

So why not enjoy our sexual experiences as much as possible and have peace of mind our partners are enjoying themselves too? No one wants to try and connect with someone in such an intimate way only to be doing something mediocre when they could be sharing a mind-blowing experience instead. Or even worse, do something to someone they don’t enjoy.

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Yes, it’s hard to for many to talk about which positions they like, if they can only orgasm through oral sex or if they’d like to be tied up to enhance the experience, but just like all other things in life, when we practice talking about it, we become better at it.

Domina Franco, a writer, sex educator and coach who has been studying human sexuality for over 20 years, recently spoke to SheKnows and offered some amazing suggestions that are too good not to try.

Open your mouth

First, Franco says you need to realize that communication is key. If you are feeling unsure, start with a test by dropping a small hint about what you’re craving. When you are met with your “partner’s enthusiasm or even curiosity, it’s a huge win” because you then have the confidence to have a deeper, more detailed conversation the next time around, she notes.


Another important factor is to pay attention to the person you are communicating with about this intimate act. Franco says if you are dealing with someone who is not considerate and doesn’t show you respect outside the bedroom, chances are pretty good you aren’t going to get what you need in the bedroom either. Case in point: Save these talks solely for those who are kind outside the bedroom.

Don’t forget to listen

OK, dropping a small hint with those who are deserving of you is a good start; we can do that. But how do we take this to the next level?

Asking them questions about what they are looking for during sexy time is another icebreaker that may get you deeper into the conversation. It’s also a good way to “gauge how open the person might be to your interests,” Franco says.

Be bold

While many women may be hesitant to talk about what they want lest they come across as too forward or, heaven forbid, too sexy, it’s important we proceed anyway. After all, we deserve to get what we want, and we all know the most effective way to do that is to ask for it.

“We are taught very early on to work within the framework of patriarchy, and one of the cornerstone aspects of that framework is to play by men’s rules,” Franco says. Women today are setting new rules and standards and asking for what we want in bed isn’t anything to be ashamed of.

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Use erotica

Franco also recommends sending some erotica (with a warning, of course) to your partner asking them if they’d like to try it or leaving them an erotic story, but says communication is super-important, and the most effective way to get your needs met is to use your words and talk about what you want. There’s no way around it.

Another hot trick from Franco is to give your partner a squeeze on their thigh or arm if you are watching a steamy scene in a movie or television show. This will help them understand what gets you going.

And once you get started with an open dialogue about the subject, Franco says, “You’ll feel more open to share your feelings and thoughts more readily and keep that ball rolling.”

So speak up and enjoy yourself.

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