The year 2017 was a rough year for vaginas. Between constantly facing threats to limit access to reproductive and sexual health care to being bombarded with terrible advice regarding what to stick up there (cucumbers, glitter, jade eggs, VapoRub, wasp nest and far too many others) to living under a president who bragged about grabbing them, people with vaginas have had a lot to think about. On the bright side, though, we brought the word out of the shadows (it’s a legitimate medical term after all) and went one step further, clarifying that there’s a difference between the vagina, vulva and labia (despite the fact that they’re typically grouped together).
Aside from succumbing to the barrage of vaginal quackery out there (ahem, Goop), we now know a bit more about some of the other missteps in that area — specifically, objects people got stuck in their vaginas that landed them in the emergency room. The source of this information is the National Electronic Injury Surveillance System — a database listing the reasons behind ER visits compiled by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission.
The latest information available is for 2016, and here are some of the more unusual findings:
A woman was masturbating using the handle of a hairbrush, which broke off and was lodged inside her, prompting a hospital visit.
While at home eating a lollipop, the stick broke off; so one women put the stick inside her vagina.
Following doing cocaine using a straw, a woman inserted the drinking straw into her vagina when the police arrived.
A woman hid a plastic baggie of marijuana in her vagina. (The report did not specify whether it was Ilana from Broad City.)
Somehow, a woman got the top of a spray bottle stuck in her vagina, then attempted to take it out at home.
A 12-year-old girl was playing with clay in the bathtub and got it stuck in her vagina.
No additional details on this one, but it was probably a makeshift dildo.
Vaginal stone balls
This is a tricky one because the object stuck in there actually is approved for use in vaginas. The problem arose when the string holding 15 balls together dissolved and the woman could only locate 14 of them.
Yes, this sounds straight out of an episode of Seinfeld, but in reality, a woman inserted a non-birth control sponge into her vagina so she could swim while she had her period.
Another makeshift dildo situation, which did not have a happy ending.
And remember: There are plenty of things that can go inside your vagina, so please stick to items on this doctor-approved list and enjoy yourself — safely.