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‘Smart Condom’ Is Like a Fitbit for Penises

If you’ve ever had sex with a person with a penis and thought, “This is fine, but what would really improve this experience would be knowing the average velocity of the thrusts,” you’re in luck.

In just one short month, a smart condom ring called the i.Con will become available. It promises to add more data to the bedroom — where it belongs. But fear not, holiday shoppers: You can “register your interest” now and be the first to know when it officially hits the market. The product retails at $80.99.

Clearly, the name is supposed to translate to “icon,” but I read it as “I con,” as in, “I con people into thinking they should have sex with me,” or a simplistic way of telling your partner that you are incarcerated.

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The description on the British Condoms site opens with an updated version of the classic infomercial sales pitch:

“Have you ever wondered how many calories you’re burning during intercourse? How many thrusts? Speed of your thrusts? The duration of your sessions? Frequency? How many different positions you use in the period of a week, month or year? Ever wondered how you stack up to other people from around the world?”

ONLY EVERY DAMN DAY. Tell me more, fancy British people!

As it turns out, i.Con has many functions, although none are as an actual condom. This doohickey is a ring that sits over the base of a condom (sold separately), and, according to the manufacturer, is “extremely comfortable, water resistant and lightweight.”

It essentially works the same as any wearable fitness-tracking device — it measures different variables during sex, which are then transmitted via Bluetooth to the i.Con app so you can view and share your performance results. You have the option of keeping your performance data anonymous, but something tells me that people using this device are probably into the competitive sharing component — in which case, you can share it with a set group of friends or just make it public.

It is a literal virtual dick-measuring contest.

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So let’s get to the good stuff: What does the i.Con keep track of? Turns out, a lot, including calories burned during sex, both the speed and average velocity of thrusts, total number of thrusts, girth, average skin temperature, different positions used and the frequency and total duration of sex sessions.

The product is fully adjustable to different girths, charges in about an hour and lasts for 6 to 8 hours of “live” usage — which, for some, could translate to weeks or even months of use between charges.

Mashable reported that the developers behind the device claim they are in the final stages of medical testing for having the i.Con double as an STI indicator, although they don’t mention how that component would work.

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Would an STI sensor be a positive development in sexual health? Absolutely it would. But do I buy it? Nope. But do you know what does work? Showing up at a clinic or your doctor’s office or a Planned Parenthood and getting an actual blood test. No, it’s not as fun as a robot condom, but at least you know it’s accurate.

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