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This Is What Living In A Sexless Marriage Taught Me

Kara Shaw

There’s something about putting on a simple piece of something silky that makes me feel sexy and does powerful things to my guy. B loves the silky feeling of stockings, thigh-highs to be exact, and I love the way it makes me feel to have him trail his fingers up and down my legs while I’m wearing them. It’s these regular intimate moments and small touches that make for our healthy and voracious sex life.

When it comes to talking about the lack of a sex life in marriages and partnerships, there’s a lot of excuses about not having time or energy for little moments of intimacy. But I call B.S.

I lived in a sexless marriage for nine years and I can tell you that — while it can be difficult to juggle family, work, chores, and soccer practice — but, ultimately, there’s time for your partner if you want to make that time for your part.

Invest a few dollars in a pair of thigh-highs.

That’s equal to your Venti at Starbucks and the effects will last longer. If you aren’t comfortable wearing something silky, find something soft. What does your partner like to feel? Put it on, take a picture, and send it to him or her in the middle of the day. Let them know you’re thinking about them.

Sexting. Do it and do it now.

B and I text throughout the day. In the middle of “Can you pick this up from the store?” and “How’s your workday going?” are little sexy messages that set the tone for what we’re looking forward to. “I’m stopping at the store on the way home. I think you should just take your shower and stay naked until I get home. That way I can hop in the shower and then kiss you starting at your toes, stopping in the middle for a nice taste, and working my way up to your soft lips.

Find time for kissing.

Kissing is good for you! And can be one of the most intimate things you do. Ten minutes of making out can get your endorphins up and bring you and your partner closer. Take your time and linger on each other’s kisses. Nibble, play, and tease.

Cook together.

Yes, cook together. Doing things together that are otherwise mundane can add spark and sizzle to any relationship. My kitchen is for kissing and dancing. When I’m about to bump into B in the middle of the kitchen I grab him and give him a kiss. If I see him standing at the chopping board with his back to me, I walk up, wrap my arms around his waist and kiss the back of his neck. This usually ends up with him turning around and a nice nuzzle.

Communicate.

The most important thing you can do in any relationship is communicate, and it’s even more important for increasing intimacy. If you don’t tell your partner what you like and what will make you feel loved then don’t expect it. Mind reading wasn’t part of the vows. If you enjoy oral more than intercourse tell your partner. Does your clitoris not get enough attention? Help your partner find that spot that drives you wild. Use your hand and explore together. You know your body better than your partner, sometimes you have to lead the way.

Watch videos.

I am always on the hunt for new tips and ideas to increase intimacy and keep a fabulous sex life. One day, I wanted to know how to get past the gag reflex to make oral more enjoyable for both of us. I stumbled upon a YouTube channel and website called AskMyGirlfriend. B and I watched a video about what is referred to as the “come here fingers” and my g-spot orgasms have never been the same.

 Don’t be afraid of porn.

Porn gets such a bad rap, but watching porn alone is a good way to figure out what turns you on before venturing into watching it together. There is something for everyone on the internet, even for the inexperienced. That’s how I learned to do magical things with my feet in silk stockings.

This post was originally posted on BlogHer in January 2017.

Before you go, check out 69 sex positions to add to your bucket list

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