Have you ever read something so bad, so hideously offensive, so inappropriate that you almost want to give it a slow clap just for sheer chutzpah?
You’d think it would be hard to offend all fat women, thin women and every man who’s not a douchebag and yet Jim Hogue’s recent article for The Richest, “15 Thoughts Every Guy Has When Dating a Bigger Woman,” manages to do exactly that! Um, congrats?
In an attempt to be brutally honest, Hogue lays out all the reasons why a man (who presumably is not fat) would ever date a lady of size. Sure, one of his 15 points is “some men think fat women are beautiful” but the other 14 are dedicated to tired stereotypes basically boiling down to Fattie McFatterson is super into food and will do anything to please a man because she’s desperate.
15. “Your date is tough.” Hogue says fat ladies are rough ‘n tough because they have to take care of themselves because dudes only want to protect skinny chicks. Well, I’d say he better be pretty tough, if only to survive all the punches to the gut he gets when he says loudly that he’s only into “fit girls who take care of themselves.”
14. “They can cook.” So, fat girls live in the kitchen and love nothing more than cooking comfort food for their man? By that logic, bigger dudes should be 5-star Michelin chefs. Honey, I expect a 5-course gourmet meal by six tonight, kthx.
13. “Calorie counting is out.” His whole argument boils down to one word: Pizza. He doesn’t want to feel shamed for eating a big greasy pie and skinny girls are harpies who berate pizza-eaters. (And also fat girls don’t like salads.) But hey, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, right? Oh except most guys don’t worry about calories anyhow because society doesn’t fat shame men on nearly the same level it does women.
12. “It is good for their confidence.” Hogue actually wrote this tripe: “A lot of guys are just hanging with plus-sized women because they don’t think they can do better and are slumming, and just waiting for the time to be right so they can make their move [on skinnier, hotter women].”
11. “They might like fatties better.” Some guys are just attracted to fat girls. It’s true but while Hogue seems baffled by this fact, I’d take it a step further: People are attracted to all kinds of body types, and this is not something weird or surprising. It’s also not something to be super proud about. Fat or thin, it’s not an honor to give you a boner, Hogue.
10. “They are easy to talk to.” Skinny ladies just don’t listen and fat ladies having nothing better to do with their time than be an open receptacle for your pie hole. So I suppose the same goes for larger men?
9. “Picking a place to eat is easy.” Big girls don’t cry… over restaurants. According to Hogue they’re always down to eat anything you want to eat and have no culinary preferences of their own.
8. “The cuddling is the best.” Fluffy women make the best cuddle-buds, Hogue says. Where’s Meghan Trainor to write a song when I need one?
7. “They are a built-in workout buddy.” This one may sound positive at first but don’t worry, Hogue isn’t telling you to value a woman who likes to exercise. Rather, he thinks fat women never workout so they’ll think anything you do at the gym is amazing and will follow you around like a puppy. Confidence booster for him, I guess?
6. “There is less pressure on how you look.” Fat ladies have let themselves go, so dudes don’t have to worry about being in shape for them, Hogue helpfully explains. But hey, that must mean that women dating fat men get a similar privilege, right? Nope! Turns out, larger dudes still expect their women to be perfectly slim-and-trim. I’ll take “double standard” for $500, Alex!
5. “Jealousy is a thing of the past.” Oh yes, he went there. Hogue says a guy will never have to be jealous of all the man-stares his large lady is getting because no one else will ever want her. This… actually makes me so mad I can’t even think of an appropriately snarky comeback. Telling someone they have to stay with you because you are the only one who will ever love them is a tactic employed by abusers. No woman or man should ever have to hear that.
4. “They tend to be funny.” Fat girls are funny! Ahahahahah! Maybe you haven’t heard! Oh yes you have because it’s the oldest stereotype in the book!
3. “They tend to be eager to please.” Fat women don’t have a lot offers, see, so they’ll do anything you want them to because they’re desperate, according to Hogue. “I know, I get it. I know that sounds really bad. But it is true,” he writes, proving that he clearly does not get it and it does more than “sound” bad. But hey, by that logic fat men should also be eager to please! Oh, except they’re not, because men are still valued by society more for their status and earning potential than their looks (which is problematic in its own right, actually).
2. “You can take them anywhere.” Fat girls are desperate to please you and have no lives or interests of their own — yes, we’re back to that I guess.
1. “They are easy to ask out.” Fat girls are desperate! Again! (How many ways is he going to say this?)