Dear Brides: These outdated wedding rules are made to be broken

When it comes to your wedding, there should only ever be one should. You should have a bloody amazing time. End of story. It doesn’t matter what you do to make that happen; what matters is that your wedding, your day, is everything you want it to be.

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It’s time to quit all the wedding snobbery. Nobody has the right to tell you what’s right and wrong when it comes to your wedding and that includes so-called “experts” who like to disguise their own personal preferences as “rules.”

A recent article on MailOnline by William Hanson is the perfect example of what brides-to-be shouldn’t read in the build-up to their big day. He even has rules on how you should talk about your upcoming nuptials: It’s forbidden to call it “tying the knot” or “getting hitched.”

Also (according to Hanson), if you’re getting hitched (sorry, couldn’t resist), you simply must make decisions that ensure you have a classy wedding. Because classy is way more important than personal, we guess.

Well, we reserve the right to respond to Hanson’s rules on the following aspects of a wedding.

1. Bachelor/bachelorette parties

Hanson says you will “let yourself down” if you have a traditional bachelorette party. Instead, you should go for the “smarter option,” i.e., an “intimate drinks party” a few nights before the wedding day itself. Oh, and it should last for a maximum of three hours. Yeah, right. Bring on the road trip, ladies.

2. Flesh

If you expose your shoulders or have a “heaving bosom” on your wedding day, you’re a downmarket bride, says Hanson. We have no words. This is 2016. Wear what you want, brides. Women should never have to cover up their bodies to fit in with archaic views of what is feminine or acceptable.

3. Recorded music

According to Hanson, walking down the aisle to recorded music “never works and always goes wrong.” We’ve all been to enough weddings to know this is bullshit. Your wedding music should reflect the personalities of the bride and groom and their relationship.

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4. High heels

Hanson doesn’t restrict his rules to the bride and groom. He has plenty to say on wedding guests’ attire and one of his biggest bugbears appears to be the female guests’ footwear. Never wear high heels, he says, because it’s “never classy” if you get your heel stuck between two flagstones. Um, that’s a risk we’re willing to take — thanks anyway.

5. Chair covers

“Just get nice chairs!” Hanson demands. Well, that’s not always possible. So go ahead and get the chair covers of your dreams because it’s your wedding.

6. Favors

Sugared almonds are the only favor Hanson approves of. Which, let’s face it, is a pretty dull choice. Favors are another way for the bridal couple to show their personality and make guests feel special. Hands up, who gets excited over a box of sugared almonds at your place setting? Point made.

7. Staying until the end

Picture the scene. You’ve paid a fortune for a fabulous wedding reception. All your friends and family are there, ready for a night of celebrations. You’re now husband and wife and you can’t wait to have a night of fun with your nearest and dearest. But here’s the thing: You shouldn’t. According to Hanson, the “acid test to how smart a wedding is” is whether the newlyweds stay until the end of the night. No prizes for guessing what he thinks. “Staying for the length of the inevitable disco is cheap” because “no one likes a drunk bride,” he states. If you want to have the first dance, cut the cake and then bust a move and leave your guests to dance the night away, that’s your prerogative. But if you’d rather party all night, get as drunk as you’d like and wake up with a stinking hangover the next morning, that’s absolutely fine too.

8. And the rest…

Other things Hanson deems typical of “downmarket” weddings are pre-wedding photoshoots, cushions for the ring, a wedding band for the groom, a receiving line with more than six people and discos. It’s enough to make us want to cover the venue in glitter balls. Now there’s an idea…

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