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14-1/2 thoughts all sugar addicts have while trying to quit

But sugar makes me feel terrible. And this sad fact only gets more true the older I get. OD’ing on sweets turns me into a furry-toothed, bloated crank who needs a nap before they can even clean up the wrappers. And I know, I know, exactly how bad it is for me. But I also know how bleak the world seems without pie in it. (Key lime, please.) So what’s a sugar-loving girl to do?

More: The 5 steps of sugar rehab

Moderation has never worked for me. A little sugar only makes me crave more. So I vacillate between being a sugar fiend and total abstinence. I figure this hot and cold relationship is better than just eating sugar all the time. Which is why I’m quitting sugar. Again. And I can tell you as a seasoned anti-sugar vet that when you go off the stuff, it’s rough. You go through all the stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Think I’m being too dramatic? See how many of these thoughts you’ve had when trying to quit sugar:

1. Was I bad in a former life?

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Why couldn’t I have been born one of those people who just “never had a sweet tooth”?

2. Whoever invented banana ice cream is the devil

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Frozen bananas will never, ever taste like anything but frozen bananas no matter how much you whip them. Anyone who says otherwise has no taste buds. And might be a communist.

3. Everyone knows car food has no calories

Candy for dinner
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If I eat this bag of jelly beans in the car and hide the wrapper under the seat, it doesn’t count.

3.5. Wait, how did I get so delusional?

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4. Is it national doughnut day?

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Why are they everywhere? And how do these people eating them stay so skinny?

5. If I finish the rest of this cake, I will actually be doing myself a favor

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Because I already ate it. But at least it’s gone. To my hips. Shut up.

6. Eating one candy bar is the equivalent of a whole meal’s worth of calories

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… so I should just skip dinner and eat the candy bar. It’s just math.

7. Is it weird to cry while grocery shopping?

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What about walking down the aisles, saying goodbye to all my favorite foods, by name?

8. How can something make me feel so good and yet so bad at the same time?

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And not be my ex-boyfriend?

9. Moderation is best… for people who are not me, who can be moderate about things

I Love Lucy Chocolate
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Who are these people who can eat three bites of a brownie and leave the rest?

10. One day without sugar, and I feel better already

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My mind is clear, my mood is better, my tummy isn’t bloated — this is so worth it!

11. But why does every social function everywhere revolve around desserts?

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I don’t want to be the weird one who doesn’t eat anything and yet is making googly eyes across the table at everyone else’s plates.

12. If I buy that bag of gummy bears, I solemnly swear…

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… to eat nothing but kale and cold, gray chicken breast for the next three days.

13. Sayonara, Food Network…

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Hello, Syfy channel.

14. I can totally do this! I’ve got this… I so do not have this

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Yes I do! Do I? I do.

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