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A nerd is rewriting Fifty Shades of Grey on Twitter, and it’s the best

So, I’m just going to put this out there — I’m a nerd who also occasionally enjoys soft-core porn. As such, I love finding, reading and viewing material that somehow combines the two concepts. The original Fifty Shades of Grey was no such book (or movie). E.L. James tried so hard to stuff some nerdy things in there (Anna’s obsession with Tess of the d’Urbervilles, the couple’s need to send grammatically perfect emails to each other), but to no avail. It’s like when romantic comedies try to humanize the hot female love interest by making her clumsy — the occasional trip does not a well-rounded human make.

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As such, there have been a number of fan fiction parodies of the infamous romance novel in which aspiring writers have tried to improve upon the less-than-thrilling initial story and characters. While it’s not hard to do, the best ones tend to have an undeniable hook that distinguishes them from the others. That’s why this particular one is garnering so much attention — it was written exclusively for nerds by a nerd.

Believe it or not, this guy’s Twitter handle — 50NerdsofGrey — has been around since 2012, about a year after the book was published and years before the movie came out. His nerd-inspired Fifty Shades parody quotes have earned him over 222,000 followers, because they are just perfect in every way. Here’s some of the best we’ve found, in no particular order. And, yes, to answer the thought you just had, they are mostly suitable for work, but if you’re someone who gets overly excited by computer jargon and Harry Potter-speak, you might want to save it for when you have some alone time.

There’s nothing hotter than math

I like men who live dangerously…

What’s the craziest thing you’d ever do to a woman?

Software disobedience

Hard-core wizard

When it’s too big…

Sexual preferences

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Playing games

He knows how to hurt her the most

It’s all about mixing skill and experimentation

Another kind of booty call

The sexy nerd gems just go on and on. Feel free to take your time exploring the darkest depths of this brilliant account. I would, but a girl can only spend so many hours in a day losing her mind over sexy Doctor Who and Lord of the Rings fantasies.

However, in honor of this salacious yet nerdy homage, here’s my best crack at a tweet: 

“Bite down harder,” he said, filled with anxious anticipation. She obeyed, and he moaned in ecstasy. She had made the most perfect-fitting night guard he’d ever seen.

Thanks for coming out everyone, goodnight! (Curtain)

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