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If the woman doesn’t climax, it’s not ‘good sex’

The elusive female orgasm. We all talk about it. Want it. Seek it. Try it. Try to make it better. We act like it is this goal, this thing we all want and cannot get. We act like it’s OK that the male orgasm is so easily obtained, something that happens every time you have sex (or else it’s not “sex”) while the female orgasm is relegated to statistics (30 percent of women have trouble reaching climax from sex) and platitudes — “no really, I still enjoy sex even when I don’t finish.” Well, I call bullshit. The female orgasm is just as important as the male one, and if you aren’t finishing every time, then he is doing something wrong, and it needs to be fixed.

The problem seems to come from a few different directions. Here are four:

You just want to ‘get it over with’:

A lot of women are having sex even when they are not in the mood, just to satisfy their man. In this case, there is a simple and effective solution: Find a way to get in the mood. This is where open communication comes in. Sure, life interferes and there are many times it simply seems easier to go to bed than to get up for sex. In those cases, you may very well just want to get it over with and let him finish fast. But maybe you could skip sex on the nights when you are not in the mood and save it for the nights where you kind of are. If, like many women, you say that would be never, then you have to do some work. Tell him your fantasies. Is there something he can do that he’s not doing? Explore on your own. Find the porn that gets you going. Understand your cycle. I know I am especially excited and ready to go in the middle of my cycle and more “take it or leave it” at the tail end of it. Maybe that is you, too?

More: Every faked orgasm is an orgasm you choose not to have

It is perfectly fine to say no to sex when you are not in the mood and save it for when you are and you can both enjoy it.

You don’t know how:

All women need to know how to masturbate. Period. End of story. Get a vibrator. If that is too intense for you, learn to use a pillow, your fingers, a dildo, a vegetable. Whatever gets you off, find it. Use it. It is a valuable skill not only for nights when you are in the mood and your partner isn’t (yes, this happens!) but also for nights when you can’t get there together. Finishing yourself is both hot for your partner to watch and practical for you. Besides, if you are dealing with a partner who is clueless as to how to help you, this is the way to teach them. You can’t teach what you don’t know.

So, get to know your body and how you like it. It doesn’t need to be a 10-hour love fest replete with candles and a bubble bath. Take a utilitarian approach and get the job done quickly when something strikes your mood. Once you have a fast orgasm through masturbation, your quickies with your partner will be that much better. This is a life skill every woman needs. Right next to changing a tire and knowing how to build a fire in the wilderness.

It takes too long:

See above. Getting off faster can happen. You just have to take the time to learn. But also, so what if it takes a while? We live in a society where female sexuality is at once put on display and also shamed at the same time. It is considered more “normal” to prefer household chores to getting busy. But sex is one of the great pleasures we are afforded as humans, and the orgasm is the cherry on top. Sure, we can enjoy sex without orgasm. The closeness. The intimacy. The love. But we would never dream of ending a session without his orgasm, so why do we do so so readily with hers? If it takes a while, then fine.

More: Your guy probably just faked that orgasm, ladies

You can’t come from intercourse:

This is common. Roughly 30 percent of women say they can’t finish from intercourse alone. So here’s a revelation: Do something else. Clitoral stimulation can happen during sex. It can happen after. It can happen before. There is oral sex and mutual masturbation and the use of fingers and all kinds of toys. If we keep thinking of sex as “done” even when one person hasn’t reached their climax, then we are accepting that there is only one way to get the job done. Not so. Ladies, if you have a partner who gives up after just a few minutes of intercourse and tells you there is something wrong with you for not being able to finish that way, you might want to take a long, hard look at whether he/she is worth it in the long run.

Orgasm is a part of sex. Some would say (I would say) it’s the best part of all. Don’t let it go because it’s culturally acceptable for women not to finish every time. Fight for your right to sexual pleasure, and once you get there, I promise you will never prefer folding laundry to getting busy again.

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