Some millennials may not remember this, but before Tinder, if you wanted to expand your dating options beyond your immediate circle of friends, this required turning off the computer and going out to an actual bar and enduring conversation with random strangers — in person.
This sucked hard for several reasons: More often than not you’d wind up spending the greater part of your night attempting to wriggle away from those yucky packs of dance floor bros whose sole objective in life seemed to entail sneaking up on lone women in an attempt to engage in a sweaty, dry-humping session (their version of “dancing”). You’d shake off these dudes only to wind up dealing with the self-proclaimed “pickup artists” who hung out near the bar — they’d probably read The Game and fancied themselves masters in reverse-psychology (you know, like trying to hook you up with their wingman in hopes that you’d decide you wanted them instead).
Of course, back in the early 2000s, AKA the Dark Ages of dating, you’d spend so much time trying to get away from these club creeps that there was barely any time to actually meet anyone worthwhile. Enter Tinder. Now you can arrange a date with someone you’ve hand-picked with a swipe of your index finger and meet somewhere civilized, like an art gallery or a cafe, where you can actually get to know one another. But those club creeps are still out there, lurking in basement apartments, dreaming up raunchy pick-up lines and subsisting on Jaeger-bombs. Don’t get suckered into meeting them in person. Here are the matches you need to swipe left on:
1. You get the self-professed “nice guy” speech
The worst kind of creep. The “nice guy” dedicates much of his profile to going on and on about how he’s such “a nice guy” and is just looking for a girl who “deserves” how much he’s going to “spoil her and treat her like a princess.” The nice guy views himself as a victim — he wants you to know that he’s been burned before by women who he thought took advantage of his “niceness.” Here’s what’s wrong with the “nice guy.” He thinks that being “nice” makes him entitled to sex, as opposed to simply a decent human being who respects women. Swipe left!
2. If it walks and talks like spam, it’s spam
I’d prefer a spambot to a “nice guy,” but they’re still the worst. So how do you know if you’re talking to a spambot? If that super-hot stranger you matched with sends you a weird robotic proposition for sex that reads like a form letter, then sends you a link to click on, that sexy evening you had in mind will likely just lead to some sketchy charges on your Visa you may find too embarrassing to challenge.
3. The one-sided conversation
You leave your phone for a five-minute break to peer into the fridge and figure out a good chip and dip situation, only to come back to find your match-from-hell has written you a book. It usually involves some combination of: 1) A dumb/tasteless joke or opening line that your match has misjudged as witty 2) A bizarre series of one-sided sexts, ultimately leading to a proclamation of sexual frustration 3) An angry insult when you don’t respond to this stranger’s needs immediately. And if you don’t swipe left, expect to see him reappear days or weeks later, all “Hi stranger” or “Sup?” like nothing ever happened.
4. You’re approached by the entitled bi-curious girl
If you’re a woman into women, you’ve probably encountered the entitled bi-curious girl already on Tinder. She’s usually in a heterosexual relationship but is hoping to spice things up in the bedroom by adding another woman to the mix. How do you spot her? She doesn’t hesitate to tell you what she’s looking for (i.e., “someone to come over when my husband is on business trips,” or “someone to enhance my marriage”), but isn’t really interested in figuring out what your relationship needs are. Of course there’s nothing wrong with wanting to experiment, but nobody deserves to be treated like one.
5. They try to scare you
first impression pic.twitter.com/7pVjcERejt
— Tinder Problems (@TindrProbs) October 1, 2015
There is no shortage of dudes with a twisted sense of fun who get a thrill out of making their Tinder matches uncomfortable. And if you object, they’re just going to call you “oversensitive” or “uptight.” Don’t feel like you have to politely applaud a misogynist joke or comment — swipe left.
6. They skip hello
Anyone who skips social niceties like “Hello, nice to meet you” is probably going to be a lousy date. Don’t expect to be wined and dined by dates who don’t even bother to introduce themselves. And even if you just want no-strings-attached sex in a hurry, I wouldn’t count on any foreplay.
7. It was clearly a copy & paste
Is typing so hard? Do their thumbs get so tired that the only solution is to blindly copy and paste the same messages to each Tinder match? If someone’s too lazy to click their thumbs on some keys for you, it’s not a promising start to a relationship.
8. Those who expect service
His mom still does his laundry and changes his sheets. And she comes over once a week to make sure he has more than stale Tostitos and beer in his fridge. He doesn’t know you, but he thinks women exist to serve his needs. Unmatch please.
9. They are out for photos
This dude immediately tries to get you on Snapchat. But unless we’re hoping to launch a career in reality television or happen to be exhibitionists, most of us have no reason to trust internet randos with photos that would make our parents cry were they to ever go public. There’s no need to feel pressured into sending photos before your relationship has even reached the “Need anything from the grocery store” stage. Swipe left!
10. They absolutely can’t take rejection
The most common Tinder jerk has an ego so fragile that if you don’t stroke it immediately by responding favorably to his message, he’ll shoot you an insult to let you know he thinks he’s better than you. Thankfully, you can get rid of him with a flick of your index finger!