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Drinking coffee may shrink your boobs, but it could save your liver

According to a 2008 study that was published in the British Journal of Cancer, women who drink three cups a day may start to see a reduction in their breast size. Who just put down their coffee cups with me?

The study was conducted at the Lund University in Sweden and involved surveying 300 women’s coffee drinking habits and measuring their breast size. The women, who on average drank three or more cups of joe a day, had breasts that were 17 percent smaller than those who drank fewer than three cups a day. If you’re hooked on the dark magic like I am, and have average to smaller breasts already (like I do), you’re probably pretty pissed at your cup of joe right now.

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Bur don’t jump out the window just yet. We’ve moved onto the good stuff. The study says the breast reduction most affects women with larger breasts, not smaller. It happens because caffeine interacts with the female hormone estrogen, and drinking too much of it appears to inhibit its production. But it also appears to curb risk of breast cancer. The study specifically sought out women volunteers who have an elevated risk of cancer due to genetics or environment, and noticed a decided decrease in their personal risk factor due to their caffeine habit. So that’s pretty great, right?

Still staring at your chest humps? OK, how about this for some more good news. A new study that came out this week has found drinking coffee regularly appears to reduce alcohol’s effect on the liver. Researchers over at the University of Southampton analyzed nine different studies on the link between cirrhosis of the liver and caffeine consumption. What they discovered after looking at 432,133 different cases was pretty surprising — increasing caffeine intake lowered risk of cirrhosis by about half. Half!

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If you drink two cups of coffee a day, you’ll not only be fighting back cirrhosis of the liver (including the kind that’s caused by overconsumption of alcohol), you’ll also be cutting your chance of dying from the disease by half. What’s more is if you double the amount of coffee you drink daily, you’ll be lowering your risk factor by a staggering 65 percent. However, if you want to hold onto your breast size, you might want to keep it to three cups or under. Just saying.

This is huge news considering how deadly cirrhosis of the liver can be. It claims one million lives worldwide every year, and over 36,000 a year in the United States alone. Obviously alcoholism’s a big problem in this country, and can’t be solved by drinking excessive amount of a natural stimulant, but it’s good to know that it’s doing something besides giving us heartburn (and, ahem, stealing our breasts).

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So ladies, while it may be sad to learn that your old friend Mr. Coffee may be systematically shrinking your boobs, isn’t it somewhat comforting to know it’s also bolstering up your liver? No? OK, I’ll check back in with you after you’ve had a weekend full of cocktails and hangovers.

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