If you’ve ever been in a long-term relationship with someone, you’ve probably asked or been asked, “What’s your sexual fantasy?” However, it’s not often something that comes up on a first date or one-night stand.
Part of the reason for this is that most people still feel a certain amount of shame when it comes to expressing their sexual desires. Whether it’s because of their cultural values, how they were brought up or simply personal insecurity, this shame is severely inhibiting our ability to have completely satisfying sexual experiences.
It took me years to open up about my sexual fantasies, even though I loved and trusted the person I was with implicitly. I think my hesitation came from an inherent fear of being judged, especially because I’m a woman, and society seems quick to categorize women with “unorthodox” sexual proclivities as kinky or even slutty. However, once I came clean with my boyfriend about what I was secretly interested in sexually, our relationship became much more intimate and exciting.
The YouTube channel School of Life recognizes that this sexual shame is a pretty universal problem and decided to stir the pot by having men and women speak candidly about it on camera. At the top of the video, most are fairly reticent about fully divulging their fantasies, but as time goes on, most feel safe enough to get very, very real about what excites them sexually.
The creators first have their volunteers give some background on their current relationship status, and that alone is pretty interesting. While one woman is “just dating,” another is practicing “non-monogamy,” or polyamory. One man says he’s living with his girlfriend but is also sexually active with others outside the relationship, and yet another woman explains she’s in a long-distance relationship but is open sexually in her partner’s absence. So as you can see, the stage is already set for some pretty diverse responses.
One of my favorites is the woman who says that while she’s been sexually involved with only women her whole life, she wants a more traditional sexual interaction with a man, in which she’s dominated. She fully admits to the irony of her desire for this more “mainstream” male/female fantasy, but for her, it’s actually something quite new and different.
Meanwhile, the man in the open relationship says something a lot of women might fear hearing — he fantasizes about having sex with a woman against her will. While no woman actually wants to be raped, there are actually quite a few women who would fully go along with this with a consenting partner. One study found that more than two-thirds of women have had a rape fantasy at least once. Ironically, the main reason scientists suggest women gravitate toward this fantasy is that it relieves the ingrained shame they feel over engaging in sex in the first place. To be very clear, this does not mean that women want to be raped. It simply means that two consenting partners may want play out a fantasy in a controlled, safe environment.
Another woman explains that someone “crossing boundaries” is titillating for her, especially when she doesn’t expect it and doesn’t know how it will go. That sense of unsureness mixes so easily with excitement, but the trick to it is you really can’t plan it out too much (if at all). The quickest way a sexual fantasy gets ruined is when it starts to feel predictable and/or safe.
So in conclusion, we should feel free to divulge our sexual fantasies with our partner. Go forth and conquer (but remember the word consent).