Advance reports coming in about the new Muppet show premiering on ABC tonight, The Muppets, indicate that things among the old familiar gang have startlingly changed. Judging by recent media headlines about a certain (apparently doomed) interspecies relationship, this isn’t your mama’s Muppets, and the sweet furry crew of our childhood may have evolved with the times in ways us purists might not be ready for.
But for those of us who grew up watching Kermie and Piggy and the gang on the original Muppet Show and the movies that followed, who know that it’s not easy being green but it’s oh so good to be moi, we’ll hang on to our sweet, uncomplicated, pre-Kardashian Muppets, thank you very much. They offered entertainment, education and boundless affection to a generation of kids. In fact, your childhood Muppet of choice might even have shaped your love life in ways you never realized. Here’s what your favorite Muppet may indicate about the partners you pick today:
There’s something endearing about the kind of guy who wants to make you laugh and isn’t afraid to make a fool of himself to do it. In fact, he probably isn’t even aware he’s making a fool of himself — if you don’t laugh, it’s okay; he’ll “wocka wocka wocka” for you. You go for a guy who’s good-natured, with a happy disposition and a sunny outlook. Guys like this may never hit the big time, and now and then he might make you cringe with embarrassment when he totally flubs it in a social situation. But don’t feel bad for him — this is a plucky guy who knows how to shake it off and get back in the saddle, a perpetual optimist with a can’t-keep-him-down attitude. You’re attracted to those who are loyal to their loved ones and never give up on anyone — great qualities in a life partner. He may not give you the most exciting ride of your life, but if you’re looking for a partner you can count on, someone who’ll hang in there beside you when the chips are down and try like hell to find the bright side, then this is probably the bear for you.
Gonzo can’t be slotted into a category. He’s definitely his own man… or whatever he is. Not many of us favored the long-nosed, blue-haired oddity, but if you did, chances are you like your dates quirky. The kind of person you’re drawn to marches to the beat of his own drum, following his muse unapologetically, confident in his own form of self-expression. You like artistic types — the more unique and original, the better. Chance are you’ve flirted with the idea of dating a performance artist or interpretive dancer; you might even find hipsters strangely attractive. Guys like Gonzo are so committed, they’ll keep at their pursuits without getting discouraged, no matter how many times that trumpet blows confetti or explodes in their face, and that kind of dedication is a great quality. But if this is the type of man you go for, watch out — he’s pretty popular with the chicks.
There’s no getting around this one: You like ’em wild… and a little bit weird. Sure, maybe you can’t understand the guy half the time, and maybe he’s practically preverbal, even a little cave man-ish, but you can’t resist the sheer Animal magnetism of a grunting alpha male. Personal hygiene probably isn’t in your top-ten list of deal breakers; nor is stability or intelligence or even intelligibility. You like chemistry — the thrill of a guy who brazenly lays claim to what he wants. The uncertainty of knowing that he’s always a little out of control may be slightly terrifying, but it’s thrilling, too. This guy’s a powder keg and might lose it at any moment… but underneath his volatility is an undeniable simple sweetness you can’t resist. He’s the epitome of an id person — driven mostly by basic needs, with not a lot of higher reasoning going on. But oh… those basic needs. This is a guy who knows what feels good and is going to do it. You may be in for a wild roller-coaster ride, but as far as you’re concerned, the adrenaline rush is worth it.
You can’t help it — there’s something about a person with this kind of self-confidence that’s irresistible to you. Sure, maybe it borders on narcissism, and maybe this type of partner is really, really high-maintenance. But as they will be the first to tell you, just look at the results! You’re not necessarily looking for a relationship on equal footing — you’re comfortable backstage while your partner takes the spotlight, delighting a crowd and always being the center of attention (or else). Often charming and affectionate, this type of love interest will shower you with affection when all is going well — maybe more than you ever imagined (or thought you wanted). But they have a hair-trigger temper too, and can turn on a dime from sweetness and light to a startlingly aggressive violent rage. It’s a lot easier to just give this partner what they want rather than try to reason with them — reason doesn’t play a big part in their MO. They want to be happy and adored, and it’s your responsibility to make sure they are. In the long term, this kind of relationship can be exhausting — but on the other hand, in the meantime, you like being seen on the arm (or hoof) of the brightest light in the room.
Kermit the Frog
Not for you: the ladies’ man, showoff, or self-aggrandizer. You’re not into the chest-beating alpha male — your type is salt-of-the-earth. Sincerity matters most to you, as does genuineness and kindness. You want someone who’s centered and solid, who has a clear-eyed view of the world and can calmly handle anything thrown his way. This type often serves as the heart of any group, bringing people together with his easygoing nature, his tact and his people skills. Some may dismiss him as simplistic and naïve, but you know the truth: This guy knows what’s important in life, and he isn’t afraid to take the time to just stop and watch the world go by. No need to scramble to the top or clamor for power and fame. You like a guy who knows he’s enough just as he is — and thinks you are too. You’ll never have to play games with this type of person. You’ll always know where you stand — and that’ll be right on terra firma (even when things get swampy).
The Minor Muppets
If you gravitated toward one of the supporting players of the Muppet family, here’s what your favorite might say about your romantic choices:
Science geeks turn you on. You favor cute over sexy. And you like them thin.
Sam the Eagle
A slightly stuffy, stilted demeanor doesn’t bother you — you know that this type is steady, solid… and patriotic to a fault. You most likely date conservatives, and you might have daddy issues.
You don’t mind someone who’s content to stay in the background — he gets things done, and you can rely on him. His nerdiness is actually a turn-on for you — brains can be sexy.
Rowlf the Dog
Not a big talker, this type has real talents but doesn’t feel the need to brag about them — flashy, showy types are not your thing, and gruffness has a certain appeal.
Janice, Dr. Teeth, Sgt. Floyd Pepper, Zoot
If you picked anyone in the Electric Mayhem band, then you’re one of those women who can’t resist a musician. Free spirits turn you on, and while you may never be able to pin them down or count on them, while it lasts you’ll enjoy the tour.
About the author: Phoebe Fox is the author of The Breakup Doctor, Bedside Manners, and Heart Conditions, part of the Breakup Doctor series (from Henery Press). You can find her at www.phoebefoxauthor.com, and have news and relationship advice delivered right to your in-box here. You can also find her on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.