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6 Ways hypnotism should be able to help your relationship


When her boyfriend started checking out other women, one lady got creative — really creative.

Straight men check out women. It’s a fact. But when Brit Gemma got tired of her boyfriend Scott’s wandering eye, she had a novel solution: hypnotism. The couple went on a TV show in the UK where Scott was put under by a professional hypnotist and instructed to slap himself every time he looked at another woman. The couple then went to lunch at an outdoor cafe and, as I’m sure you can imagine, Scott quickly had quite a red face.

Seeing this, I had two immediate thoughts:

First: It’s not nice or funny to slap people, even by proxy of themselves. And it’s especially ridiculous when it’s for a behavior that is so, well, natural. It’s not like Scott was cat-calling the women or making inappropriate gestures. (Although the self-flagellation must have appeared strange.) I’m sure my husband checks out other women; and as long as it stays at just checking them out, I file it under “things I can’t be bothered to worry about.”

More: 9 Things that happen when you go to IKEA with your partner

Second: But if hypnosis is really a thing that works (and who knows if it does outside of British reality shows?) then think of all the other relationship issues that we could use it to solve! I mean, who hasn’t wanted to use a little mind control to their advantage every once in a while? Especially, if we could use it on ourselves as much as the other person.

So, I’ve taken the liberty of listing the most common relationship problems (as defined by Psychology Today) and came up with their hypnotic solutions. You’re welcome in advance. (In fact, you’re so welcome that you’re getting very, very sleepy and when you awake you’ll send me $1,000 as a symbol of your gratitude… Is it working yet? No??) 

Relationship problems that (we wish) could be solved with hypnotism:

1. Taking your partner for granted to an unhealthy degree

Solution: Hypnotize yourself to honestly tell them five things they are great at, every day. And none of this “You’re great at being great” nonsense. Our partners do all kinds of weird stuff for us so be honest. “Hey honey, thanks for popping that back zit I couldn’t reach but was driving me nuts!” or “Thank you for cleaning up the cat vomit out of my shoe!”

2. Problem: being overly needy

Solution: How awesome would it be if the next time you asked “Do I look fat in this?” your significant other was hypnotized to immediately tell you to stop worrying about society’s insane definition of attractive and how beautiful they find you regardless of any imperfections? Wouldn’t hurt either if they handed you a credit card and told you to go find a dress that made you feel like a million bucks. (Although then you might need to be hypnotized to be more financially responsible.)

3. Problem: complaining about your partner in public

Solution: Maybe the slapping idea would be good for this one. (Kidding! Hitting is never the answer, use your words, children.) Still, we’ve all had to listen to someone tear down their significant other in front of others and the only thing more painful than watching it happen is being the person it happens to. Perhaps hypnotizing the offender to squawk like chicken every time they think about airing their partner’s dirty laundry?

4. Problem: being passive aggressive

Solution: Nobody likes the “I’m not mad at you (I’m totally mad at you)” game. So, what if instead of asking our partner to be a mind reader, we are hypnotized to call a telephone psychic and pay them to read our minds? One phone bill should be enough to cure even the most ardent (non) arguer.

5. Problem: wanting to kill your partner for chewing with their mouth open

Solution: Okay, so this isn’t on the official relationship problems list but it should be! No one should have to listen to their beloved slurp, smack, suck, and crunch their way through dinner. I think everyone should be hypnotized, preferably in preschool, to have good table manners.

More: 7 Painful stages of watching your husband eat loud, crunchy foods

Or maybe stick with scheduled date nights and couples therapy when needed. Your call.

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