If you’ve returned from your 100th bad online dating experience and need reassurance that a good one is coming, I apologize in advance for not being able to help. But if you’re looking for proof that you aren’t alone? You’ve come to the right place.
As you read this, know that someone, somewhere, is struggling to make small talk on the worst date of his/her life. Bad dates happen to good people all the time — there’s no shame in trying your luck with online dating, and you should certainly feel zero remorse if one (or 10) of those dates are less-than-stellar experiences. Try to keep in mind that, the second you find a truly ideal match, all of those past dates that give you goosebumps (or what I like to call douche chills because I’m classy like that) will just make for truly hilarious stories later on.
You’re in good company. These women shared their worst online dating experiences — read them and weep for mankind.
1. It’s all about booty
“It took me a while to realize this, but if a guy suggests a bar within a few blocks of his apartment for a first date, it means he is definitely going to be asking you to have sex with him by the end of the night. I’ve actually basically stopped taking dates like this — at least meet me halfway and then take a cab. Try to pretend that you did not assume first date sex was a foregone conclusion. One night, I met a guy at a bar. Within a few minutes he had revealed that he actually lived right upstairs. We had a drink and a very stilted conversation. This was not going well. I think to onlookers it was probably visibly awkward. When we’d both finished our drinks he put his hand on my hand and invited me upstairs. I politely declined, and he turned into a whiny child. He demanded an explanation (What explanation is there?). Then he pouted and sulked and ordered another drink. I walked to the bar, paid for my drink, and left.” — Nina P.
2. It’s a small world after all
“I was on a date with someone who’d met me halfway in Brooklyn (points). The conversation was good and I was feeling some chemistry. We’d had two drinks and had the sort of awkward ‘Do you want another? I’ll have another,’ moment when the bartender came by again. He was a huge baseball fan, and I mentioned that my mom worked for his favorite team. He paused for a moment. Then he said, ‘Do you have a sister named Alison*?’ I said, ‘Yes.’ Another pause. ‘Don’t freak out. Don’t freak out.’ ‘Why….?’ ‘I dated her.’ Of course.” — Jordyn R.
3. Beauty is not in the eye of the artist
“I always dated predictable guys and I find most of them boring. So I decided to try my luck with an ‘artist.’ I met *Greg at a bar in the East Village. The first thing he did when I walked up to him was stand up, take my hands, spin me around in a circle, and look up and down at me — which would have been fine (maybe) except for the fact that he didn’t actually say anything the entire time or after, so I have no idea if he was thinking, ooh, she’s hot, or yick, not my type. We had a drink and talked for a little bit and it became pretty obvious that we didn’t share many interests or even the same sense of humor (he didn’t laugh at any of my sarcastic remarks about online dating, which led me to believe he took it very seriously). I was ready to call it quits before our second round when Greg asked me if he could paint me. I admit: I was flattered — it was pretty much a scenario out of my ‘Dating an Artist’ daydreams. I ordered another drink and prepared to hear about his offer. And then it came: Greg wanted to paint me completely naked. That day. He explained that it wouldn’t work after we got to know each other because he’s know too much about me to paint me accurately — huh? I politely said no, paid for my drinks and thanked him for a ‘lovely time.’ He replied by telling me I’m ‘no artist’ and that I should stick to dating IT guys. Jerk.” — Amanda L.
4. Just a few missing details
“I was 25 and met a guy online named *Chris who claimed he was a 33-year-old detective. Cool, I thought — he’s old enough to take relationships seriously, and has an interesting and exciting job. He even offered to meet at a restaurant and pay for dinner, something I wasn’t used to hearing from men I met online. When we met in person, he looked a lot older than his dating photo — like, years older. And there were plenty of other things he hadn’t bothered to share with me during our email exchange. Let me cut to the chase: By dessert I had learned the following about Chris: He was 43. He had been married once and had two children who were both under the age of 13. He was separated (not divorced). And — the icing on the cake — his wife and children still lived in his house because they hadn’t yet worked out the details of their separation. So, basically, I went on one date with a married man without knowing it. Needless to say, I asked for the check immediately and didn’t wait for him to suddenly decide I should cover my meal!” — Lauren D.
5. Attracting a stage five clinger
“Brendan was a personal trainer who was all about me. He talked to me in the beginning, during the [speed dating] break, and when the evening ended. He followed me out of the bar, stood talking to me as I tried to hail a cab. Unfortunately, I wasn’t attracted to him at all. Plus, he stared at my tits like he’d never seen a set before in his life. Granted, I was wearing a plunging neckline, so I really have no business complaining about boob ogling. But he was just unabashedly staring at them for extended periods of time. He could probably pick my cleavage out in a lineup of 100 chests. As Seinfeld said, ‘It’s like looking at the sun. You get a sense, and you look away!’ The attention from Brendan was flattering, I admit. But, there was no love connection. Also, what the hell would a personal trainer want with the likes of me? I’m about as athletic as a drunken tree sloth. I’m made of Kobe beef and Cheetos. Perhaps he thought I’d make a good client.” — Dina S.
6. The truth about speed dating
“Do you know what it’s like to have the same conversation 16 times? Actually, no: Do you know what it is like to shout the same conversation 16 times? The bar was so loud, I could barely hear the guys. Plus, I usually have no problem projecting my voice (surprise!), but the guys were struggling to hear me at times as well. I feel like I just gargled with broken glass. Also, how the hell are you supposed to remember anything about these guys? You talk to them for five minutes, and frantically scribble notes on a sheet of paper while the guys shift over a seat. Upon reviewing my notes, I realized that I am a serious bitch (surprise again!).” — Dina S.
*All names have been changed. For extremely obvious reasons.