Oh, chemistry. That mysterious feeling that people search endlessly for. No one is quite sure how to describe it in words. It is simply that “special something” you feel when you know you are super attracted to someone. People spend years searching for this indescribable feeling.
After close to 20 years as a professional matchmaker, I am here to tell you that chemistry is not as mysterious as you might think. Here are four things I have learned about chemistry over the years that will change how you look at love from this point forward.
1. Chemistry is hardwired by your historical past
Yes, you read me right! Chemistry is defined by how we first saw love, which for most people goes back to the relationship, or lack of relationship, between their parents. From the time we are small we notice aspects of our parents’ relationship such as whether they argued a lot, got along great, were supportive of each other, did not speak to each other, are affectionate, etc. As we grow into adults looking for our own partners, we tend to be attracted to people who are either similar or opposite to our parents’ way of relationship.
2. Matchmakers can predict chemistry, and so can you
Since chemistry is defined by our history, I am able to predict who my client will be attracted to by interviewing them during our first meeting. I ask about each of their parents as individuals and about their parents’ relationship with each other. I also learn about their own past romantic relationships, what has and has not worked, as well as their current relationship goals. I then take a step back and look for patterns in the answers to these questions. By doing so, I am able to pinpoint the types of people they feel organic chemistry with, and determine if those relationships have been healthy or problematic.
3. Good chemistry does not always mean successful relationships
While chemistry may not be the only thing to look for in a partner, it’s very important that two people are attracted to each other. There has to be an underlying spark for them to want to continue to get to know each other. The problem for a lot of people is that their search for ultimate chemistry can hinder them from finding a meaningful and lasting relationship. If your chemistry has consistently led you to individuals who are inappropriate for you in terms of values, lifestyle and relationships goals, then you are doomed from the start. Relationships need more than just chemistry to survive.
4. You can change your chemistry patterns
If you are starting to think your chemistry patterns might be what has been keeping you from having successful long-term relationships, do not worry. Chemistry patterns can be tweaked. To do this you need to think back to the types of people you have had relationships with in the past. Recall their characteristics and traits, both positive and negative.
Look at these lists side by side. Are there any commonalities? Do you continue to be attracted to people that are emotionally unavailable, not looking for a relationship or are dishonest? Are you attracted to people who have a great sense of humor, are happy, playful, condescending or very sensitive? Figure out where you can tweak your natural chemistry patterns by weeding out the negative and focusing on the positive traits you are attracted to. Making extreme changes are often not as productive as helpful little tweaks. If you change things just the right amount, you will have more relationship success.
Always remember that chemistry patterns don’t have to be perfect; they just have to be understood to get you into the right relationship for you. For example, looking at my own history, I have always been attracted to emotionally disconnected men. But, fortunately, I also must have a man with loyalty, brilliance and a passion for life, work and love. Because I was also attracted to these more positive qualities that are conducive to a long-term love, I was able to get into a relationship with a quality man and work to make our relationship more connected. I have been married over 12 years, so no matter what happened in your past, you can have that “happily ever after” too!