If you have so few orgasms you wonder if you’re stuck with a defective parts, you’re not alone. According to Planned Parenthood, roughly one in three women have trouble with the whole orgasm thing, leaving many feeling broken and ripped off — not to mention exhausted after fake O performances so Oscar worthy we even fool ourselves.
Unfortunately, there are oodles of annoying things that can get in the way of a woman’s O skills, including:
1. Your smartphone
“When your bedroom is full of noise — texting, emails, piles of papers and other reminders you have a life beyond your orgasm, it makes it harder to have one,” says relationship expert April Masini. Lose the electronics and make your boudoir a tech-free, stress-free zone.
2. Your vagina
Or rather, your relationship with it: Research shows the quality of your orgasms is linked to how you feel about your vagina — and your body in general. “Many women are so obsessed with body perfection that instead of having a great time in bed, they’re worried about the angles and the lighting he’s seeing you in,” says Masini. “Who has time for an orgasm when you’re too busy directing and styling your sex life — as it’s happening?” When you’re in bed, focus your attention completely on what’s happening between the sheets. Everything else can wait.
3. Your hormones
“A hormonal imbalance is a surefire way to kill your libido,” says women’s health expert Sally Kravich, Ph.D. Check with your doctor if you feel this is the case, and in the meantime Kravich recommends focusing on a nutritious diet and avoiding stimulants like junk foods and artificial drinks, which will get you all hot and bothered — and not in a good way.
4. Your expectations
According to Dr. Alice Hucker, clinical psychologist and sex therapist, only a minority of women can orgasm from penetration alone. (Greeeat.) “Most women need additional clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm, whether that be during intercourse, oral sex or manual sex,” says Hucker. In other words, it’s time to put in some OT with your SO.
5. Being too relaxed
For real. It’s a thing. “While relaxation is an important ingredient in good sex, women can be too relaxed and not realize that certain muscles need to be worked to reach climax,” says Hucker, including grinding your hips, squeezing your thighs together, pointing your toes and clenching your pelvic floor muscles.
“It’s hard to get in the mood when all you want to do is sleep,” says Kravich. “Set time aside for yourself on a daily basis to relax, receive, and replenish.” Making “me time” a regular thing will give you the energy boost necessary to get frisky with your partner (and you know, enjoy it).
We are women, hear us roar and all that, but your fear of losing control in the moment can hold your mind and body back from a grand finale. “An orgasm is referred to as ‘the little death’ in France because it’s a powerful experience,” says Hucker. “It’s not uncommon for women to simultaneously want to reach orgasm and also fear the experience of losing herself in the moment.” Face. Meet palm.
8. No instruction manual
If you’re not familiar with how your equipment works or what specifically revs your engine, how can you expect your partner to? “Women who know their bodies well and have experimented with ways to make themselves orgasm are better equipped to teach a lover how to make sex more pleasurable and how to help her reach climax,” says Hucker.
9. Stage fright
“Many women can get ‘psyched out’ by focusing too much on reaching orgasm, instead of enjoying the sexual experience,” says Hucker. Ironically, if having an orgasm is the only goal on your mind during your romp in the sack, your mind and body become too tense to get there — so you know, stop it.