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7 Things lesbians know better about sex than straight women

A lot of people assume gay women don’t have much to say about straight men. Lesbians know about chick stuff and women parts, right? Not the full picture. Their sex lives can teach you a lot about your relationship with your man.

I interviewed several women who identify as lesbian or bisexual and asked for their advice. What do they want straight women to remember in the bedroom?

1. Don’t make it a race to the orgasm

Jana told me, “Woman with woman sex tends to take about two to three times longer. It’s simply a longer and more sensual experience.” This makes sense since women tend to be more patient in bed and take longer to “warm up.” However, why can’t this be true in heterosexual relationships, too? Sometimes it can feel like a race to orgasm with your man. Slowing down will improve the experience for both of you and make you really consider the other person’s body, mind and heart.

2. The power of the spoon

Diane says, “Spooning goes a LONG way in keeping the togetherness ratio HIGH.” Nicole Sanders backs her up: “After sex cuddle feels almost as good as the sex session … almost.” Again, especially in long-term relationships, we can have a race to the finish mentality. Get me that orgasm and get me to sleep! Well, don’t forget the cuddles. Cuddling is comfort and love. Cuddling gets your oxytocin levels up, which makes you feel closer to your partner and happier in general. Don’t slack on the spoon!

More: 7 Lousy reasons women aren’t achieving orgasm

3. Stop faking it

Nicole had a lot more to say than just cuddle-power. She added, “For starters, straight women don’t know that they DO NOT have to fake it.” How many times have you been in bed with a guy and he’s doing things right but you’re not anywhere near the Big O? Do you fake it just so he’ll give up? Stop it. If your partner is mature, he’ll understand that sometimes, it just ain’t gonna happen. That doesn’t mean the sex doesn’t still feel good.

4. Stimulate don’t penetrate

Yael is the founder of a natural food supplement company called Pure Standard. She identifies as bisexual, but over the course of her relationships with women, she learned “that it’s still all about the clitoris. So while having intercourse with a man, I favor positions where my clitoris is stimulated or shift myself in a way that it is.” Don’t expect that the simple act of intercourse is going to get you off. You need stimulation on the outside. Nicole concurs, “Straight women don’t know that their best orgasms will come from stimulation not penetration.”

5. Foreplay and oral sex can be the main event

Again, this is part of the rush-rush culture. Even in bed, our brains don’t slow down. We’re still thinking about the day, so we’re in that hurry, hurry, need-to-finish mode. Slow down and realize foreplay is still “play.” Nicole said, “Foreplay can last for a long time and be just as good as the actual act of an orgasm.” Plus, according to her, oral sex is more than an appetizer; it’s a main event. Don’t hurry through it. Enjoy it, and some nights, just have oral sex without intercourse. Make it a special occasion, because let’s face it: sex is special. Like, really special.

More: 7 Things about foreplay sexperts really want you to know

6. Be active and take charge

From Yael’s varied experiences with men and women, she has concluded, “It’s okay to become an active partner. It’s not the man’s responsibility to pleasure me and have me achieve an orgasm. If for some reason things are not going in that direction, I need to not only guide him or tell him what to do but actively change positions, change the pace or stimulate myself. I learned that it’s okay to take control. Men love it as much as women do. And when they love it, you love it too.” Enough said.

7. Sex is more than physical

You might not expect a bisexual dominatrix to take the physical out of the equation, but Mistress Aces told us, “In some circumstances, kissing is sex. Even heated verbal exchanges can be sex. There’s no reason why it has to be intercourse; sex is connecting with another person in a physically pleasurable way.” We’ve all been told this before, the idea that sex is a mind and body thing, but we forget. Conversation can be another form of foreplay, and like we’ve said, that foreplay doesn’t have to end in intercourse to be satisfying.

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