About once a month, I find myself acting like a total maniac without any logical explanation. Normally, my erratic rigmarole will go a little something like this: I feel unexplainably emotional and irritable. I naturally assume something is deeply wrong with me. I privately freak out, journal angsty thoughts and listen to Tori Amos on loop. I get my period.
This happens almost every time. You think I would have caught on by now that Mother Nature turns her back on me and lets me fall into a hormone-induced shame spiral once a month. Call it bright-eyed optimism, but I never learn. I always think next month will be better.
I hate the “b****** be crazy” stereotype. That’s definitely not what I’m going for here. But what I’m trying to do, what I’m trying to explain, is what happens to most of us ladies each month: It’s a definite possibility period hormones will overtake you, and there’s not much you can do about it for an estimated five to seven days.
If any of these things come out of your mouth this month, just blame it on your old friend PMS:
1. I’m not crying
These aren’t tears in my eyes — my face just gets all wet whenever I hear that perfectly timed indie song at the end of Grey’s Anatomy. What do you care?
2. I can’t stop crying
I have literally never felt this sad before. It’s as if all the world’s pain and problems rest on my shoulders. And did you see those moldy peaches in the fridge? Their lives have been wasted!
3. I’m going to murder your mother
Now seems like the perfect time to air all the grievances I have been keeping to myself about your annoying mother and her passive-aggressive comments and her need to constantly correct the crossword puzzle.
4. I’m never talking to her again
Oh, her? We’re not even friends. In fact, I just decided I’m never going to talk to her again. Ever.
5. Delete, delete, delete…
There are way too many emails in my inbox, and there always has been. I have a perfectly rational idea: Why don’t I just delete them all?
6. Did you hear about those kids on the news?
I can’t stop thinking about those poor babies who were taken away from their parents. Did you read the story? Did you? Did you?
7. Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of this song?
I finally figured it out. Kid Rock’s “Cowboy” isn’t really about getting coked out in California. He’s talking about pursuing his dreams of becoming his true self, no matter what anyone else thinks. He’s so brave.
8. I should volunteer more
Why am I not volunteering right now? I’ve always been so good with people. I bet I can make a difference.
9. I should go to the gym more
Why am I not working out right now? I’ve always been so good at Pilates. I bet they have a free class at the gym.
10. We should get a dog
Did you know that there are roughly one billion dogs out there in need of a good home? We’re possibly the most selfish people on the planet because we have a home without a dog in it.
11. I’m still hungry
I. Just. Can’t. Stop. Eating. Either my body is being overtaken by ravenous tapeworms, or my grade-school metabolism has finally kicked in.
12. Leave dirty clothes on the floor one more time
I dare you.
13. I’m not in the mood
I’m not in the mood for anything I’m not in the mood for — sex, short or long conversations, that boring movie I don’t want to see, waving at a stranger and especially not Sunday brunch with your aunt. Nope. Not going to happen.
14. It was the way you said it
Is it just me, or does everything you say sound super f***ing rude today? It’s not what you said — it’s how you said it. It was your tone.