14 Dazed things you will say on your period

Jun 12, 2015 at 7:30 a.m. ET
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About once a month, I find myself acting like a total maniac without any logical explanation. Normally, my erratic rigmarole will go a little something like this: I feel unexplainably emotional and irritable. I naturally assume something is deeply wrong with me. I privately freak out, journal angsty thoughts and listen to Tori Amos on loop. I get my period.

This happens almost every time. You think I would have caught on by now that Mother Nature turns her back on me and lets me fall into a hormone-induced shame spiral once a month. Call it bright-eyed optimism, but I never learn. I always think next month will be better.

I hate the "b****** be crazy" stereotype. That's definitely not what I'm going for here. But what I'm trying to do, what I'm trying to explain, is what happens to most of us ladies each month: It's a definite possibility period hormones will overtake you, and there's not much you can do about it for an estimated five to seven days.

If any of these things come out of your mouth this month, just blame it on your old friend PMS:

1. I'm not crying

Glee

Image: Giphy

These aren't tears in my eyes — my face just gets all wet whenever I hear that perfectly timed indie song at the end of Grey's Anatomy. What do you care?

2. I can't stop crying

Claire Danes

Image: Giphy

I have literally never felt this sad before. It's as if all the world's pain and problems rest on my shoulders. And did you see those moldy peaches in the fridge? Their lives have been wasted!

3. I'm going to murder your mother

Yup

Image: Giphy

Now seems like the perfect time to air all the grievances I have been keeping to myself about your annoying mother and her passive-aggressive comments and her need to constantly correct the crossword puzzle.

More:The age you got your period could help predict health problems

4. I'm never talking to her again

Bitch

Image: Giphy

Oh, her? We're not even friends. In fact, I just decided I'm never going to talk to her again. Ever.

5. Delete, delete, delete...

Typing

Image: Giphy

There are way too many emails in my inbox, and there always has been. I have a perfectly rational idea: Why don't I just delete them all?

6. Did you hear about those kids on the news?

Sad

Image: Giphy

I can't stop thinking about those poor babies who were taken away from their parents. Did you read the story? Did you? Did you?

7. Have you ever really listened to the lyrics of this song?

Kid Rock

Image: Giphy

I finally figured it out. Kid Rock's "Cowboy" isn't really about getting coked out in California. He's talking about pursuing his dreams of becoming his true self, no matter what anyone else thinks. He's so brave.

8. I should volunteer more

Mariah

Image: Giphy

Why am I not volunteering right now? I've always been so good with people. I bet I can make a difference.

More: Irregular periods: What your body is trying to tell you

9. I should go to the gym more

Rashida

Image: Giphy

Why am I not working out right now? I've always been so good at Pilates. I bet they have a free class at the gym.

10. We should get a dog

Yes

Image: Giphy

Did you know that there are roughly one billion dogs out there in need of a good home? We're possibly the most selfish people on the planet because we have a home without a dog in it.

11. I'm still hungry

Tina Fey

Image: Giphy

I. Just. Can't. Stop. Eating. Either my body is being overtaken by ravenous tapeworms, or my grade-school metabolism has finally kicked in.

12. Leave dirty clothes on the floor one more time

Pulp fiction

Image: Giphy

I dare you.

13. I'm not in the mood

Lana

Image: Giphy

I'm not in the mood for anything I'm not in the mood for — sex, short or long conversations, that boring movie I don't want to see, waving at a stranger and especially not Sunday brunch with your aunt. Nope. Not going to happen.

14. It was the way you said it

Rude

Image: Giphy

Is it just me, or does everything you say sound super f***ing rude today? It's not what you said — it's how you said it. It was your tone.

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