There are times when we find ourselves engaged in the world’s craziest discussion with our partners and we think: There’s no way on earth any other sane couple is talking about this. But truth is always stranger than fiction.
If we’re really lucky in life, we find someone who is open to accepting all of our quirky, most out-there thoughts — and feels free enough to return fire with a good, healthy dose of his own crazy. It makes sense then that couples all over the world who are basking in the comfort of each other’s presence are also talking about death, sex with other people and zombies, right?
We spoke with several totally “normal” women and men who shared some of the strangest discussions they have with their partners.
And they wouldn’t have it any other way.
1. Who is your “hall pass” celebrity?
Everyone, and I mean everyone, is mentally cheating on each other with Bradley Cooper and Sofia Vergara. The most committed, monogamous men and women revealed that they find it totally harmless and fun to fantasize about the celeb they would either ask their partner for a “hall pass” for so they could, uh, make out with them (right) or for whom they’d give their partner a pass so they could do the deed with that one person, and only that one person.
2. Who would we eat first in the zombie apocalypse?
Zombies are a hot couch-snuggling topic. Couples are fantasizing left and right about whose brother or sister they would sacrifice first during an apocalypse and whether it makes sense to create a zombie apocalypse in order to cure a zombie apocalypse. That’s some sexy pillow talk right there.
3. Here’s who I want you to marry if I ever die
Don’t mistake this one with the “hall pass” conversation, which is purely sexual in nature. This question and absurd discussion has its heart in the right place — it is often shared between married couples who want to think about their partner remarrying a suitable, sweet, Mary Poppins-like mother figure who will adore your children, unlike the harlot, she-devil evil stepmother in which your husband will probably be more attracted. And, yes, I’ve had this discussion with my own husband many times and I already have him engaged to our veterinarian and that’s not weird at all.
4. If I ever get too sick for sex, you can get a “sex buddy.”
We all have sex, sex, sex on our brains. And death. And sickness. Some couples like to discuss what the other should do if they are ever in a horrible accident, lose all feeling from the waist down and are no longer able to have sex again. Just your typical, light-hearted chat! The more magnanimous partners may even suggest the other get a “sex buddy” for the “physical stuff.” You may be surprised to learn their partner’s reaction is usually one of sheer horror and not gratitude.
5. What do you think breastmilk tastes like?
This one is special because it only takes place during the short time when a mom is nursing and usually precedes an amazing game of Truth or Dare, minus the “Truth.” If both partners have a drink or two in them at the time, the conversation will almost always lead to: I dare you to try it … No, I dare you to try it … Why don’t we try it at the same time … Oh my God, are you sure? … Yeah, I’m sure, I mean, how bad can it be? You make it! … oh for chrissake, I’ll try it — but get me another drink first!
6. How much weight am I allowed to gain before we have an issue?
There’s nothing more fun than snacking on nachos with your partner at midnight, but you also know if you let yourself have too much fun and run wild and free in reckless nacho abandon, you run the risk of becoming a persona who, gasp, let her/himself go. In case you get asked this question and find yourself speechless, the only answer that won’t make you sound like a complete jerk is: Sweetie, I love how you look now and however you’ll look tomorrow. Then change the subject and enjoy the damn nachos.
7. Can we set a maximum on how many times a month we see your parents?
We’re talking about our parents and other relatives a lot. More accurately, we’re talking about how we can plot and plan to avoid seeing our parents and relatives without letting on that’s what we are doing.
8. Which kid do you like better?
Today it will be Jenny. Tomorrow, it will be Jackson. And the day after that, the day both kids pulled the joint tantrum of nightmares at Walmart, neither parent will be very fond of either kid. Notice I didn’t write “which kid do you love more?” The love is always there, but parents admit to each other when they’re feeling just a teeny bit more in “like” with one child over his or her sibling.