Hello, my name is Bethany, and I am a clean eater. There is one important thing I have learned in my years of #cleaneating, and it is not how to live to the age of 100. It is how not to piss off your friends with your annoying healthy lifestyle.
Here’s the thing. I am borderline obsessed with clean eating, exercise and supplements because I love how they make me feel and how easy it has been to lose post-baby weight. But, just like any other fundamental religion, I know by now that most people don’t want to hear it — especially when they are about to bite into a nice, juicy burger.
If you are a fellow health fanatic, here are 10 ways to live clean without turning everyone against you:
1. Follow the rules of Fight Club
The first rule of clean eating is: You do not talk about clean eating. No matter what unholy, processed pile of crap your friend puts in her mouth, you keep your trap shut.
2. Do not talk about kale
This will give you away immediately. I love kale so much that I drink three green smoothies a day, but do you think anyone in my life wants to hear about it? Kale screams superiority. Keep this “clean” little secret to yourself.
3. Do not talk about what’s “in that”
“Do you know what’s in that?” Most people are well aware that hot dogs are made of chicken lips and pig buttholes, but they eat ’em anyway because it makes them happy. Pick your battles.
4. Do not “like” the Cooking Quinoa Facebook page
Don’t you know that all of your friends see your Facebook activity? Cooking Quinoa already has over 100,000 likes. They will survive without you.
5. Do not humble brag on social media
Here’s the perfect litmus test: If your post includes #cleaneating, you’ve gone too far.
6. Do not invite your friends to a juicing seminar
This is the equivalent of inviting a friend of a different religion to your church on Sunday — again and again and again. Clean eating evangelism is not a good look.
7. Refrain from taking pictures of your food
This is a tempting one, since everyone and their mom snaps shots of what’s for dinner. But, line up your tofu kelp salad next to your bestie’s Hamburger Helper on Instagram and you have essentially gifted her a cloak of shame.
8. Be open minded about where you eat
Your friends are going to straight up murder you if you make them eat at a vegan restaurant again. Eat before you go out, check nutrition facts online or plan a cheat meal once a week. Everybody wins.
9. Wipe that smug smile off your face
Clean eating makes me feel smug too — I get it. Practice using a normal facial expression when nibbling on gluten-free pizza or get used to eating lunch alone.
10. Join a support group
By now, you are saying: “But, surely there is a time and a place to talk about clean eating? If I can’t share my secret healthy lifestyle with my loved ones, then who can I talk to?” The answer is — the internet. There are literally thousands of forums on clean living, health, bodybuilding, you name it. Join one and pester people who really care.