Oh, newlywed, with your bright-eyed optimism and undying devotion, I was once like you. Now that I fall into the “old married couple” category with two young kids, there’s something I want all newlyweds to know: This sparkly, shiny, just-married love doesn’t last forever.
Before you get out the pitchforks and call me the Debbie Downer of the internet, just know that a comfortable marriage with more than a few miles on the odometer is not a bad thing. As the saying goes, marriage is like a fine wine that gets better with time. But as any experienced married couple can tell you, marriage also gets weirder with time as normal human boundaries go out the window.
Don’t worry — you’re still in love. You just have to adapt. And the best way to adapt to the natural changes in a marriage is to understand what awaits you.
If you were a fly on the wall, you would be shocked by 10 crazy things married couples do when no one is watching:
1. Eat in front of the TV
If you’re still having candlelit dinners whilst sipping wine as a newlywed, cherish it. Cherish it hard. Fast-forward just a few years, and you’ll want nothing more than dinner on a TV tray while watching Netflix together. Now that’s romantic.
2. Fart in bed
Inevitably, someone is going to accidentally or on purpose let one rip in the course of your relationship. If you’re lucky, your partner will find it endearing, like this Redditor does, “She is always the little spoon and farts on my thighs. She giggles in her sleep when she does do it and pulls herself in closer to me.”
3. Let it all hang out
Laws of physics dictate that you can only conceal your bad habits for two years in a new marriage, tops. After that window of time has expired, you’re going to find out what your husband is really like — and how annoyingly loud he chews when he eats.
4. Make a chore chart
There’s nothing sexier than a chore chart with both of your names on it. Screw a marriage license — this is real commitment.
5. Pop each other’s zits
Hey — sometimes you need a hand with a blemish in a hard-to-reach place. That’s what the love of your life is really for. Don’t make it weird. Just don’t tell your friends about it.
6. Publicly groom yourself
Kiri Blakeley of CafeMom’s The Stir and Huffington Post Divorce calls this one of the worst pieces of marital advice: “Never clip your toenails in front of your husband.” She says, “We live in a small one-bedroom. Like I’m gonna leave the room so I can clip my toenails? What will happen if he sees that? He’s going to melt?”
7. Schedule sex
This can be the best and the worst part of a long-term relationship. On the one hand, you have sexy time to look forward to at 8 p.m. on Thursday after a long week of work. On the other hand, you have to work even harder to keep things fresh in between the sheets.
8. Sit for hours in silence
This is one of the great perks of a long marriage that newbies just don’t understand. There’s something so soothing about sitting in comfortable silence for hours as you both watch Netflix on your respective laptops — without the need for that “tell me your hopes and dreams” chatter.
9. Talk about your bodily functions
Try as you might to keep the magic in your relationship, someone needs to know that you have raging PMS and crippling cramps that may or may not cause you to act erratically for the next three to five days.
10. Talk through the bathroom door
Once you’ve been married for a few years, kiss your bathroom privacy goodbye. Besides, how else are you going to confirm weekend plans until you get your husband trapped in one place?