We have no problem asking our partner to do the laundry or make a cup of tea, yet when it comes to sex — in particular, what we want in bed — we clam up. As we know, communication is vital for a relationship to flourish, but applying that in our sex lives is often overlooked. Once we get over the initial discomfort, the results can be highly rewarding while having a ripple effect on intimacy and connection, too.
So many of us find talking about sex with our partner awkward and would rather suffer through inadequate sex than openly discuss sex. No-one has taught us how to communicate about sex, so it is easier to ignore the discussion and carry on as before. However, a recent study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships has shown that sexually-satisfied couples are far more likely to communicate about sex. So, how can you communicate with your lover about sex?
Granted, it would be uncomfortable to simply blurt out that he is doing it wrong in the middle of coitus, and it would probably not end well. Choosing the time and place for the discussion could make all the difference. Perhaps when you are close and having a meal together, the subject could be broached. Initiating with an inquiry about your partner’s satisfaction could make it easier. Asking if there is anything that he might like you to try in the bedroom could be a good start to the conversation and then open up a space for you to discuss what you like in bed, too. Be sure to point out the positives in the conversation as well as asking for what you want so that you let your partner know that, while they do satisfy you, there are other things you want, too.
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The new sex ed
There are some great educational resources on the internet for couples to access and watch together, such as female-friendly porn. We often see porn as sleazy, but the new wave of feminist porn shows intimacy and connection, making it more fun and exciting to watch. Watching other people enjoying sex can make it easier to point out what you would like, rather than having to explain verbally. Or, simply reading a book about sex can help you show your lover what turns you on.
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Sending an impromptu text to your lover is always fun and arousing for both parties. It gets you both in the mood and makes the rest of the day exciting. We are all familiar with sexy texting, so using this to enhance your sex life makes it easier to ask for what you want. If you want your lover to offer more oral sex or would like to experiment with a sex toy, you could mention this in a fun way. Something along the lines of, “I loved it when you went down on me last week. I hope we can do that again tonight,” illuminates the positives and encourages repetition of the behaviour. Instructing your partner about what you want them to do with you in bed helps them to know more about what you want. Specific suggestions, such as, “I want to play a game with you, let’s pretend we are having sex for the first time again,” creates excitement and brings excitement back into the boudoir.
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Become a moaner
A great way to tell your lover that what they are doing is good for you is to express it through moans or movements. When he is hitting the spot, make sure that you let him know he is doing the right thing. While using words can be uncomfortable, groaning or writhing your body with pleasure is a sure way to let him know to continue. Using your voice in this way can really let them know the specific ways that they turn you on and will encourage more of the same. Once you both get used to this kind of interaction, you can be sure that when you stop moaning, they will get the message and move along to the next thing until they hear those delicious sounds once again.