Planning on getting hot and heavy this Valentine’s Day? Just remember not to get to adventurous and play it safe, because things can go wrong, even when you’re wearing protection. We asked our readers what their most embarrassing bedroom mishap were, just so you can be sure not to repeat the same mistakes. Try not to laugh too hard.
The big bang theory
I had given my fiancé a massage with oil and put satin sheets on the bed. When he dived on the bed, the oil made him slip right off the bed and bang his head on the wall. Moral of the story: Don’t combine massage oil and satin sheets.
Burning loins (and not from desire)
My husband and I were having a quickie while the kids were outside playing. I needed a little bit of lubrication and accidentally grabbed Vicks VapoRub instead of Vaseline. I think the neighbours probably heard me scream.
Anyone feeling a little chilli?
I was having some friends around for dinner, so I made my signature chilli dish. Before they arrived, I was feeling a little horny so I quickly went upstairs to relieve the tension. Stupidly, I forgot to wash my hands after chopping up the chillies. It wasn’t long before my privates felt like they were on fire. I rushed to the bathroom and put on a cold, wet face cloth to stop the burning, but that just made it worse. In the end, I had to get my boyfriend to drive me to the emergency department. I’m not sure what was worse: the burning from the chilli or the embarrassment of trying to explain what had happened.
My boyfriend lives interstate so we talk on the phone heaps. This one night we’re talking and he’s all like “What are you wearing?” and “Touch yourself for me.” It was getting pretty intense when the mobile signal dropped out. By this stage I’m a bit hot and bothered, so I call him back and take off from where we left off. I’m telling him I want him and want him now and I’m begging him to talk dirty to me. Then I hear my mother’s voice go, “I don’t know who this is, but if you keep heavy breathing like that, I’m phoning the police.” In my rush to call him back, I’d rung the home landline.
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The hot guy I was dating and I were going for it after having a hot curry for dinner. Right in the middle of passion, I thought I’d got my period but, in fact, I’d actually sharted.
Ironing out a few problems
Never use an ironing board unless it’s reinforced, and maybe not even then. Nobody got hurt, well, apart from our egos.
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To spit or swallow
After pleasuring my boyfriend, I decided I was going to get up and spit in the sink rather swallow. In my rush to bolt to the bathroom, my little toe got caught on the corner of the doona. I tripped, regained my balance, fell over some exercise equipment and face-planted into the washing basket. I winded myself, had a fat lip, chipped a piece of bone in my knee and ended up swallowing anyway.
Do you have an embarrassing sex accident to share? Tell us in the comments section below.