No matter what side of the Valentine’s Day fence you’re on, you’ll inevitably find yourself surrounded by six very specific, very annoying types of people on this fateful day. Prepare accordingly:
1. The couple who’ve been together for way too long
They’re the epitome of miserable, and every time you see them your commitment phobia flares up like a bad rash. The husband looks so dull you’d be surprised if he even has sperm, and the wife looks like she’ll one day run him over with her car. Twice. I mean, is this really what love is? (Sure, if love was hate.)
2. The matchmaker who wants to fix you up
There’s one in every office building: The squeaky, twirly woman who probably has little birds dress her in the morning. She married her high school sweetheart, her kids look like the Von Trapp children, and she “just wants everyone to be happy, happy, happy!” You’re one of the many who hides under her desk once you learn she’s found someone who’d be perfect for you.
3. The social media overachievers
They’re the couple who just can’t let you forget for one second that they’re a couple. They upload relationship selfies every hour. (“This is us flossing…”) They send humblebraggy, pukey wukey tweets about each other (“I have the best bf/gf ever! #blessed”), and on Valentine’s Day they can’t help but write epic romance novels to each other on Facebook about every single second they’ve spent together. #barf
4. The Sobby McNeverStopsCrying
Image: The Mindy Project/YouTube
Her boyfriend dumped her the day before Valentine’s Day and she took it out on your whipped cream stash. It sucks and everything, and you’d feel more sympathetic if she hadn’t taken it out on your whipped cream stash.
5. The desperate horny dude
He’s the guy at the bar who you can’t make eye contact with — otherwise, he’ll follow you around all night waiting for your permission to cop a feel. (Like Pepe Le Pew. Or Robin Thicke.) The desperation in his eyes reminds you of your childhood dog who’d get busy with your favorite body pillow (only not cute). Yep, this guy will troll the place with his metaphorical chocolate-on-a-fish-hook until a (totally drunk and equally desperate) woman bites.
6. The anti-men brigade
The cult comprised of all the single ladies whose exes didn’t put a ring on it. Sure, they’re acting tough and waving their hands in the air like they just don’t care… but by the end of the night, after way too many Jägerbombs, one of them will be throwing up and sobbing about how much she misses her ex, while the other holds her hair back and drunk dials her secret boyfriend. One will get into a brawl with who she suspects is her ex’s new girlfriend, while the other seriously considers switching teams. And last but not least, the fifth wheel — who didn’t really want to go out but ended up having the best time — will find herself doing the walk of shame tomorrow.
More love advice
10 Reasons Valentine’s Day will never suck when you’re single
8 Non-gendered gifts ideas for Valentine’s Day
How to do Valentine’s Day without going broke
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