OK, so we all know Tinder is meant to be a hookup app. I, on the other hand, mostly use it as a way to throw one-liners at random dudes in a 10-mile radius.
Sometimes I even like to throw out random challenges to guys just to see what they’ll do. Most guys will just stop replying (or unmatch me, the horror!).
Well, most guys… save for one Redditor. Lonely user ball-in-ass found a beautiful girl he liked, but her vague profile just left too many questions.
So, he did what any horny guy would do: He asked about his penis.
Noelle was clearly trying to give the poor guy an easy brush-off, because who is really going to write an essay in MLA, the chosen style of every high school English teacher? This guy. The problem? He’s not exactly Nicholas Sparks, so he opted to do the next best thing: crowdsource the essay on Reddit.
And Reddit delivered. “I’m actually bored (and sad and lonely) enough to do this,” wrote WithinMyGrasp. He returned in just a couple of hours with a seven-page tome, uploaded in full to Google Docs, that delves into the historical obsession with phallic objects and how that relates to, well, the value of his penis.
I am but a man, and what more can I say than to suggest that, as a part of your continued pursuit of the perfect form, you consider myself to be but a humble step towards the experience of all that the Egyptians and Romans considered to be the pathway to heaven? What more can I ask than for you to experience my representation of defiance to the Gods, my ray of sunshine that I revere as a gift from the daily drudgery, the drive of instinct, the push and pull of the rat race. I bow before you requesting that you do, indeed, as millions of earth’s inhabitants before you, consider my penis worth your while.
Solid effort, but the essay, sadly, did not end with a happy hookup.
“She said I missed the deadline,” wrote ball-in-ass. “But she will still take it into consideration because it’s so beautifully written.”
Keep swiping left, buddy.