If you take Jason Derulo’s word for it, you might think that everyone wants you to talk dirty to them. But what are you supposed to do when he’s a dirty talker, and you’re not? What if his explicit bedroom language catches you totally by surprise?
For some people, there’s nothing like a descriptively dirty word to get your motor running. For others, dirty language in between the sheets will have you blushing like a virgin bride on her wedding day. Awkwardness during sex is guaranteed when a dirty talker and pure-tongued partner meet.
It’s gonna get weird.
Here’s exactly what you might be thinking when you find yourself in this dirty little predicament:
1. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
On second thought, don’t bring up his mother when he’s kissing you with that mouth.
2. Should I say it back?
“Um… You’re a bad, bad boy who needs to be punished. Too much?”
3. Do I sound like a robot?
If your dirty talk comes across even remotely like a sexy robot, he probably won’t notice.
4. Do I sound like I’m giving driving directions?
“Yes, put it there. To the left. No, your other left. It feels so good on the left. There you go.”
5. Should I curse?
If it feels good in the moment, why the f*ck not?
6. What if I laugh?
This might happen. Just try to make it sound like a sexy giggle, and your secret is safe.
7. What should I call his penis?
Almost nobody has this one figured out. Use the name, preferably non-clinical, that sounds most comfortable to you.
8. Should I comment on size?
Yes, a thousand times yes.
9. Am I supposed to keep talking?
Dirty talk in the bedroom should never turn into a three-act monologue. A few dirty sentences will do you just fine.
10. Did I do it right?
The good news is that there’s no wrong way to dirty talk. If you let a few bombs drop and had a good time, you did the dirty deed just right.