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Woman breaks the law by having extremely loud sex

File this under things you don’t hear every day. A 53-year-old woman was ordered to keep her coital noise to a minimum after angry neighbors complained that her screams and shrieks of ecstasy were keeping them awake. And angry. Caroline Cartwright has defied that court order and now she’s in a heap of trouble.

It’s easy to understand where Cartwright’s angry neighbors are coming from. No one would enjoy being subjected to all-night fluff-fests they weren’t a part of. Let’s be honest. But more than that, how loud does she have to be? I have lived in apartment buildings and only once or twice had any indication of fornication on any level of the place. Even then, I only heard bed squeaks or light moaning. Screams? Not so much.

Cartwright, to her credit, says she has tried to change some things. For instance, she now confined her (apparently) hot sex to the morning hours when people are less likely to be sleeping and she invested in a new bed. How big of her, right?

The problem is, it just hasn’t worked.

Cartwright received an Anti-Social Behavior Order (ASBO), banning her from shouting, screaming or vocalizing when getting down and dirty for a four-year period. She ignored it, though, and now she’s been given a suspended jail sentence. She’d better watch out or she is going to end up in jail. For sex. Just how good is her sex? Jeesh.

She told several papers she doesn’t understand and that it’s “normal” and “as far as I’m concerned, that’s what you should be doing. Just relax. Go with the flow.”

And here’s where I simply must call BS on it.

It is possible to control our volume in the bedroom. Ask any parent. We haven’t had loud sex since the day our first child was born. If it weren’t possible to whisper/scream, there would be no second (or third) kids. Sure it’s fun to lose control in the heat of passion — any parent who tells you their sex when the kids are home versus when they are not is the same is a liar — but it’s also absolutely within our control, barring any kind of medical condition, to control ourselves. It just is.

So Cartwright, I am calling you out. I hope I have as rocking a sex life at 53. But come on, please. Let’s have a little decorum and let our poor neighbors rest.

Do you think there is any truth to her story?

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