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Creepy vaginal creams promise a tighter vagina, better sex

Just in case you don’t have enough to worry about when it comes to deciding whether or not your partner will find you attractive, now you can add a new one to the list: your vagina! Nope, we’re not talking about waxing or vajazzling or any other window decoration for your lady cave but rather your vagina itself.

Specifically, is it tight enough? And before you’re done wondering, now there are also a bunch of creams that promise to solve that problem. You know what they say — see a need and fill it! (Which sounds even worse in this context.)

The first cream, disturbingly called “18 Again,” promises to “recapture your vagina’s youth so you can feel tight and wanted again.” While I could (and probably should) point out how sad and gross it is that they’re telling us we need to have a teenage vagina to feel wanted, what really bothers me is the notion that 18-year-old sex was somehow better. For who?! Another even scarier tagline reads, “Make her feel like a virgin all over again with this amazing vaginal contracting lube.”

I… wow. I never want to feel like a virgin ever again. That was not good sex, people. Some things get better with practice and nookie is definitely one of those things.

Thanks to the cult of youth and virginity I guess I can see why men might prefer a younger vag, but is this really an issue for women, the demographic most of the creams seem to be marketed to?

Not really, says sex therapist Dr. Ava Cadell to the LA Times. Just like penises come in all shapes and sizes, so do vaginas with some women being naturally larger than others. She busts a lot of myths about what makes a woman tight (not because she’s frigid!) or loose (doesn’t matter how many sex partners she’s had!). Although sadly it does seem the vaginal walls thin with age.

But if things aren’t going smoothly during the big p-in-v moment, Cadell says it may not have anything to do with how “loose” a woman’s vagina is at all but rather how aroused she is. “During arousal the vagina expands in anticipation of being penetrated,” says Dr. Cadell. “Then the vagina tightens around the penis to give both the man and woman more sexual satisfaction.”

Hear that dudes? Want a little more huggin’ for your nubbin, then try a little more buffin’ for her muffin. (Yeah I can’t believe I just wrote that either. I’m sorry Mom!)

So what about these creams? Do they work? Eh, kinda. Maybe a little. The creams, with names like “Liquid Virgin” and “Crazy Girl Wanna Be Tight,” say their ingredients make the tissue absorb water and become distended, thereby making you temporarily tighter. Product reviews on Amazon are mixed with some people being very happy and others ending up with “cold takeout and a yeast infection.”

Instead of sketchy creams, doctors recommend practicing Kegels (with weights, even!) to tighten up your pelvic floor muscles.

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