I’m a romantic at heart, but I’m also the first to say that dating is terrible.
Sure, I’ve had some fun when the guy is charming and kind. But for every great guy on the market, there are at least five complete duds. Or 10. These are my 10.
1. The Family Man
I’m sure Family Man had some redeeming qualities, but taking me to his parents’ house to watch Anchorman 2 on a first date was not one of them. Did I mention we watched it in his childhood room?
2. The Biologist
The Biologist was a big guy, which I was totally into because of my own 6’3″ stature. After bar-hopping with him on a Saturday night, he reached his burly arm across my shoulder and whispered, “Just think what could happen with a little of my sperm and one of your eggs. We’d breed superheroes!” Dating isn’t mating, bro.
3. The Romancer
The Romancer invited me to his place to watch a football game on our first date. I figured he’d cook and provide beverages. Instead, he asked me to pick up beer on my way over, and we watched the football game in near-silence for two hours. When I stood up to leave, the Romancer asked me for a BJ. Whaaaaaat.
4. The Jerk
His end-of-the-date summary: “You have, like, a pretty decent body even though you’re so tall.” Thanks?
5. The Undercover Lover
I “dated” my good friend for three months without realizing it, until he confessed his undying love to me over froyo. How is this happening? I thought. How did I not know you were dating me? The ride home was long, and frozen yogurt now tastes like silent awkwardness. Thanks for ruining froyo, Undercover Lover, with your complete lack of clarity.
6. The Millionaire
Please, guys, don’t be like the Millionaire. Entirely remove this question from your first-date conversation starters: “Guess how much money I make?”
7. The Tagalong
OK, so this didn’t actually make it to a first date. I gave my number to a guy I met at a retreat, and the Tagalong stood behind him and hijacked my number by looking over his shoulder and copying it like a freaking weirdo. Needless to say, I didn’t return any of the 97 text messages and voicemails he left me.
8. The Gift Giver
The Gift Giver showed up to our first date with a tin of homemade chocolates he’d spent the afternoon preparing. I’m looking for a spark, not peppermint bark — and the two are for sure mutually exclusive.
9. The Thank You Note Guy
The date was innocuous enough, but Thank You Note Guy sent me a handwritten letter two days later to tell me that he’d had a nice time and he was glad that I smelled so nice. Kind gesture, weird delivery.
10. The Drunk Crier
There’s a delicate balance for first-date drinking, and Drunk Crier definitely botched it. About three drinks in, the tears started flowing and he told me all about his last breakup and the girl who broke his heart. Then he said, “You’re such a good listener — I didn’t think I’d ever feel this way again.” Red flag, Drunk Crier. Red flag.
These are just a few of my duds. Tell us about your first date fiascos in the comments below.