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How to recycle your exes

Damage from a breakup doesn’t just disappear because you’ve decided to reappear. First, fix the distrust you caused by leaving. Then enjoy the make-up sex!

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tWhile some say that revisiting the past is never a good idea — that your relationship “ended for a reason” or that “you broke up because you were broken” — it might be time to rethink recycling.

t It’s not just about avoiding another notch on your bedpost, and it’s not about desperation. You should consider getting back together with an ex if you’re in a new place as an evolved person who has come to a new state of awareness. The reason your relationship didn’t work the first time might not have been because you were wrong for each other, but because you weren’t in the right place.

t Still, you can’t just jump back in and pick up where you left off. Before taking those next steps forward, you have to take a few backward.

t Here are a few crucial elements to consider that will help you repair the break and allow you to move forward on a solid foundation:


First, acknowledge and attempt to fix the root of the problem

t There is a reason why you broke up in the first place. Maybe he cheated, or maybe you did. His focus could have been on business, and maybe you were the mistress to his career. You were too worried about catering to and spending time with your friends rather than him. You were needy. He was sketchy. You didn’t trust each other. You weren’t ready for something real — but what about now? Have things changed? How?

t This isn’t about you taking responsibility for everything. It’s about you taking responsibility for your part. Admit, apologize and address why and how you or your circumstances are different now. You don’t want to get back into the same-old cycle just because there is still love, passion, connection or comfort there. Fix the hole to form a solid foundation.


Next, acknowledge the damage that leaving may have done

t The fact that you or he left is, in and of itself, creates an environment of distrust. How does he know — or how do you know — that if and when times get tough again, you’re not just going to run? How can he open his heart to you if you could turn around and leave him again? Talk about the damage done. Acknowledge that you understand the damage that your leaving has done to the relationship.


Be empathetic — put yourself in each other’s shoes

t Until you put yourself in his shoes, you will never come close to understanding how he feels — and having that understanding is essential when it comes to trust. How would you feel if he did that to you? Reverse roles.


Rebuild trust

t Ask what you can do to regain and rebuild trust. Pull yourself out of it. It’s not about you and your needs. It’s about him. Sure, you may be a prize, and he may be thrilled to have you back. But you still have to get out of your ego and ask what you can do. What does he need? Then work together to give each other what you both need. Have experiences together that are new for both of you and that build trust. Take a class, get out of your comfort zone, know that you will both be there for each other, go out of town together and spend focused time together.


Create new, healthy habits as a couple

t Create new traditions together. Celebrate each other. Drink champagne just because! Give little cards and send “I’m thinking about you” texts for no reason other than just because. Be present. Be aware. Communicate. Be open. Be vulnerable. Be emotionally raw.

t When getting back with your ex, you need to realize that this is not a new, rosy relationship. Whether it was an issue of cheating, lost interest, bad timing or something else, you broke up because you were broken, not bent. Before you can move forward, you have to address the issues, fix the break and regain trust.

t Now get back with that ex and enjoy the make-up sex!

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