Mila Kunis put her foot down during her recent appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!. Mila is carrying the lovechild of Michael Kelso, I mean Ashton Kutcher, and she performed a funny bit about the habit men have of saying, “We’re pregnant.”
The bit included a backup chorus of pregnant women and the delightful cliché of them all eating ice cream out of the gallon with a spoon. It was lighthearted and great and, of course, the internet has already given us someone’s overly-serious retort. But I’m not here to take part in that debate. Instead, I want to share a few of the other things I found myself wishing dudes would stop saying.
Essentially, we’re finishing what Mila started.
1. “Bros before hos”
This one is pretty obvious. One, there’s no need to remind anyone of this pecking order as it is Neanderthal to begin with. Two: “Hos?” Really? Also included in this list are the following: bro out, bro down, brotime, broham, brotally, bro tell it on the mountain, Broseph, BrOMG.
2. “Calm down!”
Let’s put this in the same camp as “Heads up!” and “Look out!” and you can see how well this turns out, guys. In case that wasn’t clear: These all result in the opposite of the intended response.
3. “You look tired”
A guy said this to me once, and I said, “You know that when you say that to a woman, she just hears it as ‘You look like crap.'” He just sort of guiltily shrugged. Dudes, we all know what this one means. Or even if you don’t realize that’s what you’re thinking, it’s still what you’re saying. Unless maybe it’s followed by, “Can I get you a glass of wine/back massage?” you might as well skip it altogether.
4. “Amazeballs” or “awesomesauce”
These two are on their way out already, but I want to bring them up just to be sure. Ya know, double check that the campfire is out before you go to sleep. Sure, this is a unisex offense, but the words amazing and awesome are absolutely sufficient on their own. No need to add sauce or balls to heighten the experience. In fact, adding balls to any word should probably be a rule. P.S. Can we all send this cease and desist memo to YOLO while we’re at it?
5. Movie quotes
I may be wrong to speak for all women on this, but it’s probably a safe rule of thumb to save the obscure (or obvious, for that matter) movie quotes for your guy friends. Here’s what happens when you throw out movie quotes in normal conversation:
If I get it, then I have to either add onto it, name the movie or do a forced “ha ha ha,” usually interrupting the flow of whatever it was we were talking about beforehand. More likely, the quote will escape me, but I’ll know you’re quoting something so my choice is to pretend to get it and force a laugh, or ask where it’s from which again derails the conversation and leaves us nowhere. It’s better to just use your own words strung together of your own original choosing like the rest of us.