Oh, the joys of a new relationship. The flowers, the food, the kissing. And the dryness, the weight gain and lack of sleep. Hrm. Maybe it’s not so joyous after all.
Now that we think about it, there’s really nothing all that awesome about a new relationship. It kind of sucks. Sure, you get sex on the regular without it being with a complete rando. But, all that sex leads to its own issues and then he falls asleep hogging the bed. And what about when you go out for Chinese, come home to watch a movie and then need to, ya know, go? Yeah… relationships are full of less-than-pleasant experiences. We’re over ’em, so we made a list to make our point.
1. Too much sex
First you’re like, “Yes! I’ll have sex all of the time.” A week later, your vagina is redder than usual and feeling terribly dry and sore. She’s not used to this kind of workout. Ditch the regular soap for intimate wash, like Vagisil Moisturizing Wash, to keep everything properly hydrated.
2. Worrying about your first time together
If you’re actually dating someone new and not just trying to continue a relationship with a former hook-up, this might seem intimidating. You’ll worry you’re not as skilled as his former conquests. He’ll worry he’s not as endowed as your exes. It’ll all work out. But the mental lead-up will suck.
3. Lack of sleep
Boys are huge. Seriously. They take up a lot of space. Aside from the science of sleep cycles that will inevitably keep you from calmly going to sleep and sleeping well until you grow accustomed to each other, there’s also the space issue. Dude will finish, roll over and immediately fall asleep — usually in exactly the middle of the bed.
4. Weight gain
Before he fell asleep, though, he got you naked and you might’ve caught a glimpse of yourself and noticed you seemed a little fluffier than before. One thing nice about dating is all the free meals. One thing not-so-hot about free meals is how quickly they cause you to put on a few extra pounds. And how are you supposed to find time for the gym when there’s sex to be had?
5. Awkward bodily functions
Another downside of free meals? What happens directly after sharing a carton of General Tso’s chicken. Just remember: Turning on the sink will muffle the sound, but it’s still obvious what’s going down in there.
6. Explaining bad moods
At some point during the initial phases of your relationship, you’re going to PMS or just have an otherwise awful day. You can try to power through it, but you’ll inevitably end up letting your inner b**** out and probably scaring him into a hole. Your best bet: Avoid him until it blows over. But be prepared to explain.
We’re being jerks. Of all the suckiness that comes with new relationships, nothing is as awesome as the high you get from being around a new love. Discovering everything about each other is a game. Sex feels like a whole new experience. And, eventually, sleeping feels a whole lot warmer. Just power through.
This post was sponsored by Vagisil.