How intimate would you get with your smartphone?

As if sending tweets from the toilet wasn’t bad enough, smartphones are now weaseling their way into bedrooms everywhere — as our new partner. Depending on the couple, this new trend will either make or break your relationship (and give new meaning to the term ‘pocket dialing’). Here’s the 411, coming soon to a vibrator near you.

Woman in lingerie on smartphone

Technology is meant to improve our lives by making things more convenient and accessible, but I can’t say I’m completely on board with it becoming part of our sex lives. (Most awkward. Threesome. Ever.) I suppose in certain contexts sex-related technology and apps can benefit humankind. For example:

If you’re single…

Long story short: Cha-ching! No need for the awkward, “What’s your name again?” moment the morning after a random fling (where, you know, he passed out on top of you and you almost suffocated). Vibrators are becoming so convenient you can finally skip the walk of shame (and the limping).

Take, for instance, the latest creation from OhMiBod, available March 2014: blueMotion, a discreet, wearable massager that runs on Bluetooth technology. It has built-in smartphone features such as the accelerometer, touch screen and volume controls. Just make sure nobody’s around when you say, “How you doin’?” to your cell.

If you’re in a long-distance relationship…

Couples in long-distance relationships are the crew most likely to benefit from this surge in tech-related advances, especially now that they’re coming out with vibrators that can be controlled by your sig-o no matter where he is. Scary cool or scary scary? You be the judge.

Vibease is the most OMG way to stay connected when you’re on the road. He can send customized vibrations from literally anywhere in the world. It offers customizable pulsations for a realistic experience, it’s easy to clean (um, thank gawd), and can also be used as a standalone vibrator (you know, in case of Armageddon).

Bluemotion from OhMiBod
Photo credit: OhMiBod
Photo credit: Vibease
Kahnoodle app
Photo credit: Kahnoodle

If you’re a busy couple…

Let’s face it: When you’re a busy couple, one of the first things to go is your sex life. (“Ugh, we have to have sex tonight? Seriously? Do I have to do much?”) Nothing’s more of a buzzkill than trying to pencil it in (and, oh yeah, failing miserably). Luckily, there’s an app for that.

Kahnoodle is an app for couples designed to help you make time for each other (by essentially sending reminders that say, “Don’t forget: You’re in a relationship.”). Features include coupons for sexual favors and chores, wish lists for things you’d like to do together and places you’d like to go, not to mention fun date ideas.

Bill Masters would be so proud.

That being said, let’s allow my neuroticism to chip in and highlight the flip side of this kinky coin. Sexessories like these can also make things even worse for your love life, especially…

If you’re a disconnected couple…

You might write off your bf altogether because it’s easier to “pocket dial” than deal with an actual human being. It’s just sad, like in a Sheldon Cooper kind of way.

If you’re obsessed with spicing things up…

What if tech becomes a crutch for your relationship problems? I mean, sure, you’re in the same room together, but there’s so much more to it than that (or so I’ve heard).

If you’re socially awkward…

Seriously, do you need yet another reason not to go out and talk to people? Or touch them? Or use a baseball metaphor of any kind?

Although… ask me about this issue again when they make a movie called HIM where the artificially intelligent operating system sounds like Johnny Depp. I might/probably/totally will retract my previous statement.

More sexessories advice

How Google Glass could change the way we hook up
Tech in the bedroom: Dos and don’ts
Wait, that’s a sex toy?


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