You love him, you really do. His snoring on the other hand, not so much. You can’t remember the last time you had a good night’s sleep and it’s really messing with your life. More specifically, your sex life.
You know, since sex leads to him passing out first, which leads to an entire night of dealing with the fact that he sounds like a car engine stalling. And starting. And stalling. If you find your loving glances are turning into crazy-eyed glares, don’t fret my pet: Help is on its way.
My ex was a hardcore snorer — in fact, I’ve been catching up on my sleep ever since. Snoring has become known as the third leading cause of divorce in the U.S., with the average non-snoring spouse/victim being robbed of up to two hours of sleep, and being woken up an average of 27 times per hour. Every. Single. Night.
What the snorers we love don’t realize is it’s not just the snoring that’s the problem: It’s everything that goes with it. There’s a level of restlessness snorers experience because of the whole barely breathing thing that gets taken out on us. Rest of any kind becomes as impossible as you performing a septoplasty on him without him noticing.
Not only are we breathed on incessantly, we’re kicked, elbowed, nudged to the very edge of the mattress and robbed of our blankets and sheets. Just as we’re about to make a run for the couch… the douche joins us on our pillow and puts his arm around us. Oh my damn. The two hours of sleep we lose is probably spent strategizing how not to rip his throat out.
Then we spend the next day drinking so much coffee in order to function we stop blinking. (At one point, I thought my skin was buzzing.) By the time we reunite with our bed the following night, his attempt at nookie is shot down in one second flat — you know, since we feel about as attractive as a before picture. Hence the divorce thing, since you’re too effing tired for intimacy.
First things first
Talk about how his snoring is impacting you. Be tactful though, since while it’s technically his fault you’re bordering on bats*** crazy, he’s not doing it on purpose.
Here are a few small but effective ways to get your sexy back (and your sanity):
Shower before bed… together
The shower will help open nasal passages and help him breathe easier after he goes to sleep, and you’ll score some serious couple-time to boot.
Have sex everywhere else
Your bedroom has become a serious point of contention, triggering anger and dread from all the blanket-thievery and face-elbowing. While you’re getting over it, there are plenty of other surfaces in your home to choose from. (Wink, wink.)
If he always falls asleep before you do, start going to bed earlier so you can get a head start on your shuteye. Switch pre-sleep canoodling with a post-sleep, “How you doin’?” instead.
No, he can’t help his snoring, but he can help everything else. Seductively tell him ways he can make it up to you. When he succeeds at doing so, amp up the challenge factor of your requests.
There will be nights where you’re going to have to sleep in separate rooms — you know, so you don’t end up with assault charges. It’s assumed this will quash any hope of intimacy between you, when in fact you can use it to your advantage by role playing. Go out to a bar, pick him up using a your-place-or-mine pleasantry… and afterward head to your spare bedroom like you’ve just used him as a one-night stand piece of meat. It’s a win/win situation.