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Advice from couples who schedule sex

Scheduling sex may take away the spontaneity, but for these couples it’s what keeps the relationship thriving. Learn their tricks on keeping it fun, even though it’s scheduled!

Couples typically avoid scheduling sex because they don’t want it to seem like a ‘chore’ or another thing they have to do at the end of the day. But why not view it as something fun to do with your husband instead of viewing it as a chore? Think about it — we schedule everything else, from happy hours with girlfriends to hair and nail appointments to date nights, so why not schedule sex, too? For those with kids, it can be even more vital. When was the last time you did anything spontaneous since having kids? We’re hearing from couples who schedule sex plus providing tips on keeping it fun!

We have a three-day rule…

My husband and I don’t necessarily put ‘sex’ on the calendar, but we both try to make an effort to not have more than three days go by without connecting. If it’s been more than three days, one of us will say something and we make sure it happens as soon as possible. It may not be the most spontaneous or romantic sex, but without the ‘three-day rule,’ we’d probably go weeks without sex due to being busy! — Amanda

We created a ‘date night bag’…

With three children and sporadic intimate moments, my husband and I have realized we have to schedule our ‘play time.’ I like spontaneous affection that leads to bigger things to keep things fun, whereas my husband is all about just making sure it happens! To compromise, we created a ‘date night bag’ full of fun ideas — this makes sure it’s scheduled but also keeps it spontaneous! — Joronda

Sex and relationship coach Charlie Glickman offers the following advice:

“I make the comparison to cooking food. It’s one thing to make dinner with whatever you have on hand, and if you happen to have the ingredients in the kitchen, you can make a great dinner. But when you plan ahead, you can make sure that you have all of the things you need to enjoy a wonderful meal. You can set aside the time to put them together and to make the entire experience much more pleasurable.”

“There’s a myth that spontaneity is the hallmark of a good sexual relationship. While spontaneous sex can be lots of fun, many people have a lot of things they need to take care of, from kids to jobs to chores and errands to family commitments. It can be hard to carve out time, especially when each person has their own list of things demanding their attention. Scheduling it in can make a big difference,” he says.

Charlie also adds that “scheduling intimacy doesn’t have to mean having sex. It can also mean setting aside some time to connect and have some real quality time together. That means that you’re giving each other your attention, rather than focusing on other things. It’s the attention and connection that builds the intimacy, not simply being in the same room.”

A few final tips on scheduling sex

  • Show up willing and excited for what’s to come. If you show up with the attitude that you don’t want to be there, it will take away from the experience for the both of you.
  • Be spontaneous with positions and location. The sex may be scheduled, but the location and positions don’t have to be! Surprise your man with these football-inspired sex positions.
  • Find what works for you both and make it a habit. Before deciding to schedule sex, discuss with your partner how many times per week you both would like sex. If the number is different, meet in the middle and compromise. After a while, your ‘schedule’ will become a habit and it won’t seem like much of a schedule anymore — it will be a habit you both look forward to.

More on sex

Pre- and post-sex rituals to practice
Questions about sex you’ve always wanted to ask
13 Sex myths debunked

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