Judging a potential suitor by his ‘cover’ — are you prepared?
Most people reading this post remember old school America Online before it was the now popular AOL. The dialing of the modem, the beeping fax-ish sound of a successful connection and the joy you felt when you heard, “Welcome! You’ve got mail!” However, America Online played a much more valuable role in our lives: our screennames, our alter egos — the pseudonyms for who we are. Let’s face it — your AIM name, if remotely creative, told a quick story of your personal interests.
Dating profile names are not much different. If you’re participating in the online dating game, choosing a screenname is just as, if not more, important as choosing your online dating name. I did the online dating thing for a while. Through it, I got interesting dating stories to share and a wide variety of men to analyze.
Perhaps the worst thing, to me, about online dating is the fact that you must judge a book by its cover in the initial phase. There’s no other choice. You’re reading their profile name and looking at their pictures and from those two pieces of information alone, you’re deciding if you want to move forward. Maybe that’s not the way it is for everyone, but that’s certainly the way it was for me and my friends.
My dating site drug of choice: JDate. That said, I’ve compiled a list of JDate screennames and what they said to me. Please note: This is an actual list and it’s very possible that these suitors (though many years later) are still active members.
The “I’m a man who knows what he wants” Man
- willnotsettle18 No, no he won’t. This guy doesn’t want drama and he certainly doesn’t want to be stuck with someone he doesn’t think is good enough for him. This boy will probably date more than three chicks at a time and will always have a wandering eye — even when “settled.”
- PleaseNoFreaks Poor guy has obviously had some pretty bad experiences on the J or elsewhere.
- NotaJew4038 What an honest guy! There are a lot of men out there who love a good yenta, Jewish mama-type and what better place for their major congregation than JDate? He may not be a Jew, but he sure knows he wants one.
- ParkSlopeFoodie “I love food, so you better love food! I like to walk around on Sundays and look for new places to eat brunch. I probably don’t like my brunch followed by beer and football but have been known to hit up a happy hour or two in my day. I’m a foodie, yes, but I like to find cheap food and hidden treasures.”
The “I’m the man who wants a gold digging/high maintenance type of woman” Man
- LivesInADuplex “Just in case you’re wondering, I don’t live in a studio. I have a duplex. With lots of room and lots of things, which means I have lots of money. Women like money, right? Right. So if you’re good enough for me, you can one day have a duplex, space, things and money.”
- FinanceRunner “Obviously I work in finance. Obviously I like to run. Ladies, please read this as, ‘I have a great body and cash in the bank.'”
- nycfitnesspro “I may not have money, but I’m sure you like a man who looks good so that’s what the situation is here. I work out. A lot.”
- JacobtheJEWler Fellow readers, this is self-explanatory. I have no words.
The “I’m a sensitive guy” Man
- GameOf1on1 This guy wants it to be you and him against the world. Just you and him. Together. Forever.
- path2smiles See above.
- ImJustASweetGuy Yeah right, that’s what they all say! You know when you’re a sweet guy? When you’re sound asleep.
- KindHearted2611 See above.
- theocean74 “I would love to retire by the water, relax and make love under the stars for the rest of our lives together… until we’re 74.”
The “My name is my hobby” Man
- VodkaSoda78 This man likes to party hard. He goes out with his friends on a daily basis and is letting you know what kind of drink to get him at the bar if you get there before him.
- AlexESPN “I’ll probably be watching sports on most Sunday and Monday nights.”
- metsjets99 “I graduated high school in 1999 and am a HUGE New York sports fan. I wanted to write metsjetsrangers99, but it was already taken.”
The “You will think I’m witty with my JDate name” Man
Full disclosure: These JDate names take the cake. They make me giggle every time I read them.
- HungLikeAMezuza If you’re a Jew, you’re laughing.
- youcanwearheels (Get it? Because the stereotype says all Jewish men are short.)