In recent news, it turns out teens are failing all courses in common sense but acing tests related to creative ways to get drunk. First it was vodka shots in the eye ball, then tampons soaked in booze and now the rebellious but not so wise teens are turning to hand sanitizer to get their latest buzz.
This begs the question, what is going on in the world today that requires teens to need a drink so badly and to completely disregard all common sense while trying to get their fix? And of course the other question, WTF?
Hand sanitizer contains 62 percent ethyl alcohol to, you know, kill germs, but to some teens alcohol is alcohol and in this case, they can buy it in bulk without so much as a driver’s permit. The California Poison Control has confirmed 60 reports of ingestion which can cause alcohol poisoning and serious side effects. Just the smell of the gel on my hands can nearly elicit dry heaving, so needless to say, drinking it has never crossed my mind. But then again, I am long out of my teen years.
Read more about this new drinking trend for teens >>
We’ve decided to take a trip back to high school when, looking back now, it seems times were simpler, but then we remember our bacne (back acne), our braces and the fact that no one asked us to prom. Or was that just me? Anyway, with our high school brains engaged, we wanted to see if drinking hand sanitizer might have ever been fathomable. Raiding our parents’ liquor cabinets, or for the more brazen, asking a homeless person to buy us alcohol for the cost of a 40, was our method of choice and even that seemed a little risky at the time. We almost have to give high fives to the teens of today for reaching this new low in the endless quest to get drunk. If chugging hand sanitizer was ever an option, it seems like the only fitting method would be to add the gel to an actual cocktail. We’ve rounded up our best possible hand sanitizer cocktail options but we fully admit that the test kitchen wouldn’t actually let us try them. Maybe you shouldn’t either…
When you are 16 and you can’t get your hands on even a plastic handle of tequila, hand sanitizer seems like the next best choice. This one might sting a little going down, but if you add enough salt to the rim, you may never notice.
- 3 parts limeade
- 2 parts hand sanitizer
- 1 part orange juice
- 1 part fresh squeezed lime juice
- Salt for garnish
- Pour all the ingredients into a Styrofoam cup, stir with a plastic fork and keep someone on the lookout to make sure no one walks in during your first efforts at being a true bartender.
- Dip the rim of your glass in hand sanitizer and for a little extra kick, then dip it in salt.
- Pour over ice and enjoy. Consider drinking it out of a fast food cup so no one will know.
Pineapple and Purell
Nothing like a little pineapple juice and Malibu to make teen girls everywhere smile with delight. But Malibu is hard to come by and considered a pretty premium liquor for kids who may not even be old enough to get a job yet. Hand sanitizer to the rescue!
- 2 parts pineapple juice
- 1 part coconut water
- 2 parts hand sanitizer
- Sneak your loot into the basement and crank up the music. Pour ingredients into a cup filled with ice and enjoy.
Squeaky clean sanitini
This one might truly smell like a lemon cleaner leading parents to think that teens are actually being responsible instead of ridiculous. If you don’t like the taste of this one, consider drinking dish soap instead.
- 3 parts hand sanitizer
- 2 parts lemonade
- Go ahead and just add the lemonade to the hand sanitizer bottle. Martinis are supposed to be strong anyway. Have a squirt anytime your mouth feels dirty.
In reality, being this stupid is no laughing matter. Our best advice is don’t drink these cocktails or hand sanitizer ever. Parents, during the talk about birth control and safe sex, consider mixing in a little anecdote on appropriate forms of alcohol for consumption. And finally, invest in a few books for your child because if this is our future, we are in trouble. Teens, please apply your creativity and ingenuity to your studies. You are never going to make it through college if you take this route.
In case you didn’t realize, this article is in jest and should not be taken literally. Please, please do not try any of these suggested cocktails at home.