With Halloween around the corner, drugstores are filling up with the requisite limited-edition snack foods: pumpkin-shaped peanut butter cups, candy corn trail mix, pumpkin spice fucking everything. While tasty, none of these treats are addressing the very real threats that you and I face this time of year. We are speaking, of course, about vampires. They are everywhere, and they are coming for you.
Naturally, the only country not sleeping on serious preparations for the upcoming siege of bloodletting is Japan, which will be arming its citizens with Doritos.
Black Garlic Doritos from Japan
Yes, the people who have previously given us such flavors as Crispy Salmon and Tuna Mayo are once again saving the day with limited-edition Black Garlic Doritos (NapaJapan, $4). While these tasty triangles of safety will not be available in grocery stores stateside, conscientious citizens in the know can head on over to NapaJapan to pick up a few bags to keep in their doomsday bunker.
And as long as you’re buying Doritos over the internet, consider picking up some of these other bags from overseas. Who knows what evil supernatural entities they can protect you from? (Hobgoblins? Cerebus? Scott Baio?)
Chile Limón from Mexico
According to many of the internet’s foremost snack experts, Dinamita Chile Limón (Mexgrocer.com, $15/pack of three) is the Kobe of Doritos (in both the Bryant and beef senses). Not surprising, as chili and lime has the power to make even the most boring of foods spectacular. Case in point: Tajín seasoning from Mexico. You ever tried sprinkling that on lame-ass raw vegetables? I’ll admit that I’ve been faking liking those for years in order to set a good example for the kids, but you give me a bottle of chili-lime seasoning to sprinkle on it, and I could easily house a farmer’s market. It makes everything it touches addictive like a Gilmore Girls marathon. Combining the magic of chili-lime with Doritos is one of those strokes of brilliance that makes me hopeful for the future of the human race in uncertain times such as these.
Pickle from Canada
Intense Pickle Doritos (Amazon, $40/pack of four). Ah, yes; pickle juice — now so much more than something you drink on your period when no one is looking!
Hardcore Extra-Spicy Chipotle from Mexico
As hot as we claim we like things here in America, we can’t approach “hardcore” levels of heat. Think of the lawsuits! You could burn the roof of your mouth, which would cause you to mumble for a few days and end up in all sorts of wacky predicaments. Wacky predicaments that could cause you undue mental stress and anguish that could forever alter the course of your life and lead you to total ruin. This is why Mexico gets all the cool Doritos, e.g., Hardcore Extra-Spicy Chipotle (eBay, $8) that don’t require a legal disclaimer, and we get “cooler” ranch.
Rainbow Cool Ranch from the U.S.
These aren’t really a crazy flavor — they were limited-edition Cool Ranch Doritos that got all dressed up for Gay Pride (eBay, $45) and pissed off a whole bunch of fundamentalist Christians who don’t want the “politics” of people’s basic right to exist to be involved in snack foods. This is the literal version of “force-feeding the gay agenda,” which delights me to no end.
Wafuu Curry from Japan
It’s funny how so many people say they don’t like curry when I can think of few other ingredients that have traveled so much and have taken on so many faces across the globe. For this, you can thank the British Empire, who spent hundreds of years spreading spices all over the world like mono. Every culture that interacted with Indian curry powders quickly made them their own: Jamaica gave us jerk, Scotland gave us Tikka masala, Thailand gave us massaman. Japan’s curry of choice tastes like classic turmeric curry powder and garam masala had a baby, then that baby got into your kitchen cabinets while you took literally 30 seconds to run to the bathroom and you came back to a child who was rolling around in a puddle of soy sauce and emptied packets of GoGo squeeZ. I give you: Spicy Curry flavor Doritos (eBay, $2).