My love affair with Aldi is well-documented. I love them for their low prices, their quality products, their better-than-Girl Scout cookies for $1.29 and their sparkling bathrooms. (Really — I’ve yet to see a bad one. Easily in my top five places to pee when I’m out and about.)
One of the ways Aldi keeps its prices low is by stocking a limited number of products, allowing its inventory to be turned over quickly. This means every few weeks its specialty items change, and this month is spectacularly exciting — and I mean spectacularly. It’s bringing in fall by sending over tons of goods from its motherland of Germany, meaning we have entered chocolate-covered paradise, everybody! Here’s what you need to pick up before fall leaves us, taking these German delights with it…
Moser Roth dark German chocolate
Founded in 1841, now producing only for Aldi, Moser Roth makes chocolate that’s creamy and luxurious, and you know what? Just buy all the chocolate. Seriously, buy yourself a chest freezer, go dump all the chocolate boxes into your cart, and hoard them like a squirrel with PMS.
Dark chocolate Wafer Rolls
It’s like an ice cream cone dipped in dark chocolate, except that they’re tiny little roll-ups. You can stick one on each finger, top them with a melon ball scoop of Ben & Jerry’s, and pretend you’re Edward Icecreamhands. It’s surprisingly a good time.
I believe marzipan is the world’s most adorable food. It makes me think of sweet old ladies who wear nice hats and pearls, who have small dogs and perfectly kept living rooms, where they’d invite you to sit and enjoy a cup of tea, then pull out a small tin from a sideboard and offer you “a bit of marzipan” with a devilish wink. Pretty much the queen of England. I think the queen of England has a DL candy addiction, and marzipan is her drug of choice, because it’s sweet and lovely like she is, but also has a teensy bit of bitterness hiding in the background, because if you cross the queen of England, she will fuck you up and then laugh as her corgis devour you alive. Marzipan is both adorable and an assertion of dominance.
Stollen is a German fruited yeast cake that is filled with marzipan, traditionally only eaten at Christmas. Aldi has dipped them in chocolate, released them in September and made them miniature so you can put an entire cake into your mouth. You need to open up really, really wide to get it in there, but it’s absolutely doable when you apply yourself.
Orange Jaffa Cakes
I’ve been told that Jaffa Cakes are to Europe as Oreos are to America. Jaffa Cakes look like cookies, but they’re a soft sponge cake covered in jam and dipped in chocolate, so they’re absolutely nothing like Oreos. Not even a tiny bit close. The marmalade is a wee bit bitter, but as a whole it’s sweet, which I like a lot. I would rather eat a sleeve of these at a clip while watching Netflix than most of those other, plebeian supermarket cookies. It just feels fancier.
Caramel Apple Pecan Strudel
A. This does not have any chocolate, but I still tested it because I love me a good strudel.
B. It’s not like you can’t cover this in chocolate after you cook it. Ideas like this are why I’m a C-list celebrity chef.
C. The cooking directions on this item are completely wrong, and I burned it.
D. I still ate it, and it was awesome.
E. Bake it at 400 degrees F for only 25 minutes, then let me know how they taste, because I’ve spent the past two days eating nothing but German snack foods, and my heart doesn’t feel well enough to handle more grocery shopping.
New seasonal addition: Marzipan Pound Cake
Haven’t tried this yet, but it’s marzipan, so…
In case it comes back: Choceur White Chocolate Coconut Crunch
This one has officially already blown off the shelves, unless you happen to get lucky and find a package still lingering. At any rate, keep this in mind in case you find anything white chocolate at Aldi.
You may have heard before that white chocolate is not chocolate. This is true — it’s not made from the cacao plant’s chocolate solids but rather from the cocoa butter left over from the chocolate-making products. What you might not know is that most white chocolate isn’t even good white chocolate!
Most of the cocoa butter ends up being replaced by cheaper fats, like vegetable shortening, which is why most brands taste like poo. In fact, the FDA says candy needs to contain only 20 percent cocoa butter to be called white chocolate. German people are having none of this. After one luxurious bite of this bar, studded with flecks of sweet toasted coconut and crunchy cornflakes, you can understand what a difference true cocoa butter makes. You’ll feel bad for poor, maligned white chocolate. It’s not its fault that greedy candy barons have been besmirching its name. Maybe you should buy a few extra bars, just to let it know you finally understand it. White chocolate will appreciate the sentiment.
Also: Schogetten Caramel Brownie Squares
It’s like a Caramello, but they also fill it with those chocolate crunchies that are in the middle of Carvel cakes. This is so brilliant I’m sort of pissed off that the American chocolate industry hasn’t been doing this for my entire life. Also officially off shelves now, but again, keep a sharp eye out, and you may get lucky.
This is the fall selection, readers. One can only imagine what Aldi will send out for the holidays. Be ready.