Junk food confessions: The most magnificent Oreo flavors of all time
Have you guys seen what’s happened to Oreos? It is in-freaking-credible. For over 100 years we have had to settle for a paltry single variety of Milk’s Favorite Cookie, but no more! There is now a seemingly endless line of Oreo-related products marching toward us. A cavalcade of cookies and cream! This is a golden age, people! Now let’s discuss the highlights and lowlights, because not all forays into extreme cookie-ing are good decisions.
Peanut Butter Oreos
How did it take 100 years to come up with this? It just seems obvious. They’re so amazing they make regular Oreos look like candied liver in comparison. Possibly a Baby Jane scenario?
Filled Cupcake Oreos
Technically these are delicious, but I hate them on principle. All they did here was add chocolate cream and then a dot of vanilla cream in the center. This is not a cupcake — it is a cookie. If you want to be a cupcake, then go ahead and be a cupcake.
Also, things cannot be "cupcake-flavored." They are "cake-flavored." Cupcakes are just smaller versions of cake. Trust me, I’m kinda an expert on them.
I’m one of the few people who thinks the cream in Oreos is the weaker half — it tastes like waxy shortening mixed with a crap-ton of sugar, and that’s because that’s essentially what it is. Oreo Thins finally cater to those of us disgusted by the Double Stuff, giving us crisp dark chocolate satisfaction with just a hint of sweetness. You can also fit about 15 of them in your mouth at the same time if you train, which will give you a cool fact about yourself for your OkCupid profile.
These looked like they’d be amazing. They were not. I had to eat an entire package to be sure, and yep, still not good. Just tasted like chemicals and broken dreams.
Oreo Pie Crust
Yes, you can easily make this yourself, but it’s always nicer when someone makes things for you, right? You should fill it with cookies-and-cream ice cream, then cover it with more Oreos and whipped cream, and everyone will think you’re a genius. There will literally never be any dessert made from scratch that will impress people more than that. I’ve spent the past 15 years as a professional chef and recipe developer, and have essentially been wasting my life.
Red Velvet Oreos
Can someone please explain this crap to me? I have been writing about my disdain for red velvet for years — in essays, in my cookbook, in epic Facebook rants that have landed me on some NSA watch lists. Red is not a flavor. All they’ve done here is taken out most of the chocolate so they could make the cookie red, then added even more sugar, which is impressive only because it’s a feat we all thought could never be accomplished. These things are not good. Most things that are red velvet are not good. You need to stop letting yourself be manipulated by the red dye lobby, America. This is flat-out stupid.
Pumpkin Spice Oreos
I really wanted to hate this, but it was really freaking good. God, I despise myself for saying that. I want so badly to be able to walk away from these cheap marketing ploys — pumpkin spice butter, pumpkin spice pasta sauce, pumpkin spice soy milk — but I can’t. I love autumn too much and want it to last forever in every aspect of my life. I’ve been burned before (I should have known better about the Pumpkin Spice Four Loko), but this time the risk actually paid off. Plus, they can easily be hoarded for days when you want to blast the AC, cuddle up under a warm blanket, listen to John Mayer and dream of days to come.
Fruity Crisp Oreos
You think you like fruit crisp cereal because it makes you think of Saturday morning cartoons and your carefree childhood, but there’s a reason you grew up and started eating Cheerios, and that’s because fruit crisp cereal sucks like a Hoover. It is not the flavor of fruit, it is not the color of fruit, and I don’t know how they have gotten away with these shenanigans for so long. Yet somehow they got themselves shoved into the creamy center of America’s sweetheart of cookies, likely to try to rekindle our love affair with them and to remind us to start buying it for our kids.
We know better than that now, fruit crisp cereal. We remember how you taste like battery acid, are comprised entirely of chemicals and petroleum extracts and gluten and will kill our kids. GMO free or GTFO.
Cookies & Creme Oreos
It’s Inception Oreo! Inception Oreo! The future is now, and it is glorious!
Before you go, check out our slideshow below: