Outback Steakhouse has shocked us all by surpassing the decadence of the Bloomin’ Onion. How’d they do that? By topping the classic app with loads of melted cheese, crispy bacon and golden french fries, of course.
As a nation trying to eat more nutritious food, it seems almost wrong to find yourself sitting in a booth, eating one of these behemoths. But surely there are some extenuating circumstances that would make enjoying one of these appetizer explosions totally shame free.
1. The literal apocalypse is nigh
Whether a meteor is on its way or there’s a nuclear missile sailing toward your hometown, when you’ve got nothing left to lose, it’s time to tear into 2,300 blissful calories of fried onions, cheese, french fries and bacon.
2. It’s wine o’clock
After a few glasses of Australia’s finest (here’s looking at you, shiraz), nothing tastes better than cheesy fried food. There’s not much that can stand up to an Australian red, but the Loaded Bloom at least has a fighting chance. You won’t even have to take an antacid.
3. You’re traveling… alone
Stuck at a conference center hotel in a city you barely know? There’s no time like the present to treat yourself to this monstrosity. You won’t run into anyone you know, and should your heart, IDK… explode in the night after your meal, at least the cleaning staff will find your body soon after.
4. You’re with your dad
Nothing absolves one of one’s junk food-eating ways like some parental bonding. Add a pint of beer to the mix, and you’re in business.
5. You just found out you’re pregnant
Eating for two? Hell. Yes. What better way to celebrate than with an alcohol-free, loaded fried onion? Besides, um, the baby is craving bacon.
6. You just found out you’re not pregnant
Yasss! That which you feared has not come to pass. Celebrate by trashing your body with not just a deep-fried Bloomin’ Onion, but one covered with cheese, fries and bacon for good measure. Throw in a few glasses of wine, and revel in the fact that you’re clearly not responsible enough to take care of yourself, let alone another person… and it feels damn good.
7. You saw the commercial
Listen, who are we to deny the impact of insidious marketing campaigns? You don’t know why, but suddenly living life without trying the Loaded Bloom feels impossible. It’s everywhere, haunting you from billboards, centerfold ads and browser pop-ups. Sometimes it just feels good — and tastes good — to give in to capitalism.
8. It’s for research
Say… you’re a food writer. Say, it’s your job to stay up-to-date on the latest food trends. Your readers would be disappointed if you didn’t take just one little taste of the latest and greatest achievement in culinary obscenity this side of the Double Down. It would be… it would be wrong to not try it. They’re counting on you. Right?
9. You have a mouth
Food like this is meant to be eaten. Are you a human (or, let’s be real, a medium to large canine)? Do you have a mouth? Then the Loaded Bloom was literally made for you. It’s not your fault your taste buds work so well. There’s no shame in your game.
You can try the Loaded Bloom at Outback Steakhouse for a limited time starting June 21. And don’t forget, it’s technically supposed to be shared with six or more people (but we won’t tattle).